Mick for Dummies

Mickey Stouse, from Digital Stimulation, is to run a series of classes, called 'Mick for Dummies', aimed at helping young single mothers develop the necessary skills and confidence to use computers and the internet.

"Bertie and me see it all the time. We know they feel trapped at home. They can't get out to do the shopping, or go to work or even see friends. Computers with webcams connected to the internet are a great way from them to meet people, to shop and even make a bit of money if they want to, all from the comfort of their bedrooms!" said Mickey, explaining the rational behind the course. "We want the girls to have confidence in using computers and the internet safely. It's all about these young mums having and sharing the ryte [sic] belief on the web."

For more information, give Mickey or Bertie a call or drop in to Digital Stimulation (assuming you can get out of the house).

Snatch a glimpse of Clive Drungehard's column in our sneak preview

Next month's Ruff Mag features columnist and off-road enthusiast, Clive Drungehard, talking candidly about his enduring love affair with a now elderly lady. With permission, we print an excerpt to whet your appetite. 

Our first encounter was on a Friday evening in 1973, down a back street of Bolden-cum-Hack. I paid a man £100 for her. She was battered, scratched, and leaking a bit,  but she was beautiful. My very own Landy [sic] Rover. I took her home, washed and cleaned her before going to bed. The next morning I rose early, jumped inside her and off we went on the first of many dirty, filthy, mucky weekends. A thirsty girl, I filled her up twice before we reached our destination; the glorious Peak District.

We set up camp on the outskirts of a small village, amongst some trees that bordered a very wide and muddy gulley. Perfect for a our first attempt at bogging. With a little tug on my lever, she was on all 4's, her low box making light work for me as I entered the slimy ditch. I'll spare you the ins and outs, suffice to say that after a very hairy but nonetheless enjoyable hour, we ended up well and truly stuck. I lent on my horn for a couple of minutes before eventually going for help. Pulling first timers out of the mudhole seemed to be a regular occurrence for the locals. The rest of the weeked is now a blur, probably because of the hospitality at the Crown Tap. Such a helpful and welcoming community, you could do a lot worse than getting stuck in Firling Ephert.

Read more about Clive's adventures with Landy, plus a review of Aston Busshole's latest model, the Intruder. Ruff Mag - out on February 1st.

The week in review (formerly News in brief) #3

We started the week with a question. Recession: has the bust been over inflated? Paradoxically, cosmetic surgeon, Hunter Mayter M.D. FACS, felt it had. In an upbeat interview, Mayter and his colleague Justin Mector M.D., introduced us to Flying Fresh, their new clinic and first venture outside the US. For the full interview, click here.

Next came the distressing news that Sheena Vnitzel had closed her Austrian restaurant, the Strudel Feichlater, pending an Environmental Health investigation. Diners reportedly became ill on the evening celebrity couple V and D were due to make a public appearance.

On Tuesday, with the snow melting rapidly, Marge Lammaries reminded us that her Great Tits were increasingly heading south, in search of food. Mick, her husband, encouraged us all to get our "Nuts out for Great Tits" T-shirts, available from all retailers in Pranker's Wycke. Next week, Mick will share with us the plight of the Corn Bunting.

Ever wanted to pole dance to keep fit, but been too embarrassed to try? Tate Grits, a straight up American gal and part of the new Flying Fresh team, ran her first class at Wannakem Lyceum on Tuesday. "An uplifting experience," said Joan Mentley after the session.

If pole dancing feels a bit too exotic, maybe Gabby Flit's new Front Diet system is more your cup of tea. Join her band of losers at the Duke of Porchester, every Thursday at 8pm.

Well, what are the chances? Lyla Smott (nee Smittle) bought a lotto ticket, the morning of her wedding at Mitzmaid Cloisters last Saturday, which won her £9.7m! What a wedding night - full in the luck department? You bet!

And lastly, back from TEFL in Japan, we heard from Gale Whourmand who spoke about her reading group hobby. "'Book Clubber' they'd shout at me. I'd devour Moby Dick in one sitting," explained Gale who, with partner Scott Grimshaw, invites you to join her new reading group at the Wailing Anchor, Mondays at 8pm.

Recession: has the bust been over inflated? Paradoxically, Hunter Mayter thinks so

"Flying Fresh is about feeling young again. It's about soaring to new places, with a little help from us!" quipped Hunter Mayter, M.D. FACS, with a flash of his perfect white teeth. Mayter, a cosmetic surgeon from Flushing Gaps, KY. is opening a new premises adjacent to the Duke of Porchester pub in Pranker's Wycke.

Offering a wide range of surgical procedures, non-surgical treatments and cosmetic dentistry, Flying Fresh aims to help people feel great about their appearance. "We build a relationship with our patients based on trust. Our experts provide a thorough consultation to help customers make the right decisions," explained resident expert in charge of non-surgical treatments, Justin Mecter, M.D.

With state-of-the-art facilities, complete after care service and flexible finance options, the future looks bright for Flying Fresh, especially if those pearly whites are anything to go by!

To arrange a free, no obligation consultation, either call or drop by and ask for Tate Grits.

Flying Fresh.
8 High Street,
Pranker's Wycke.
T: 44371
E: flyingfresh@prankers.wycke.zz

News in brief #2

"Might be!" joked Bertie Spellend when asked if he was going to Ruthie Tascal's Vampire Ball. Spellend's firm, Digital Stimulation, is sponsoring the charity event, all proceeds from which will go towards raising the profile of blood donation.

Meanwhile, a local paparazzi experienced a snowy encounter with a diminutive stranger on Sunday evening. "He was standing there, so I took his picture. Then he propositioned me! He looked like a frozen pygmy," said the Ruff Mag photographer.

"There's no room for this kind of horseplay in Pranker's Wycke," said Tony Poucher commenting on disturbing revelations for the equine community. http://bit.ly/8l9cQ6

Police will today sweep the scene for evidence after a particularly violent attack in Hertinmer Square. "I'd come out of the Sleeping Wit, and bang, it all kicked off. She was a witch," said a dazed Bradley Moomhandled, the victim of last night's assault.

And lastly, now back at home, Ted Rodger's recovery should be speedy. His pride might take longer to mend! Others were also cut off today albeit by snow. http://bit.ly/6cXfvm

Find my Grace!

The PWBC today announced plans for a new show to find a bride for legendary gourmet and seasoned bachelor, Pat Fonce. "Find my Grace!" a reality TV series, set to air in the summer of 2010, will be fronted by Willow Swallyjuice, our newest arrival in Pranker's Wycke. "I've always been a bit of a matchmaker, or 'Grace Finder' I suppose I should say!" she said at the press conference earlier today when asked about her role.

To be in with a chance of winning the coveted title Mrs Pat Fonce, young hopefuls will initially apply on-line. A review panel, made up of Fonce and Judge Fouster, will narrow down the entries to12 potential brides-to-be who will go on to feature in the TV series, the winner of which will be announced on July 11th.

"If they can survive what we're planning on putting them through, being married to me will be a walk in the park," said Fonce uncomfortably when asked about his involvement in the show. "There's been some suggestion that my nuptials are for tax purposes only. There is no truth in this whatsoever," he continued. As he was leaving the press conference Fonce was asked what tip he had for budding applicants. "I like them mannish," he replied climbing into his car.

News in brief #1

Today's Agoraphobics Anonymous meet finished early due to poor attendance. Guest speaker Quentin Doors-Wickly was a no-show.

A new shop selling antique body jewellery, run by Nancy Fipple-Ring, opened yesterday in Hertinmer Square.

Mayor Lunter pulled a real stinker after getting his beer glasses steamy during his traditional New Year's Eve bar shift at the Sleeping Wit.

Congratulations to Madge Vucous without whose work we would not now be officially twinned with the village of Spagina in Italy.

Peggy Smeenis is petitioning the council for a Pranker's Wycke Annual Spoonerism Day. We like Monday the 1st.

And lastly, well we didn't beat Rage Against the Machine to the Xmas no.1 slot, but "The Yuletide Log" from Bertie Dumhole proved to be a massive no. 2 - Thanks to all the villagers in Pranker's Wycke for an unprecedented download.