The week in review (formerly News in brief) #3

We started the week with a question. Recession: has the bust been over inflated? Paradoxically, cosmetic surgeon, Hunter Mayter M.D. FACS, felt it had. In an upbeat interview, Mayter and his colleague Justin Mector M.D., introduced us to Flying Fresh, their new clinic and first venture outside the US. For the full interview, click here.

Next came the distressing news that Sheena Vnitzel had closed her Austrian restaurant, the Strudel Feichlater, pending an Environmental Health investigation. Diners reportedly became ill on the evening celebrity couple V and D were due to make a public appearance.

On Tuesday, with the snow melting rapidly, Marge Lammaries reminded us that her Great Tits were increasingly heading south, in search of food. Mick, her husband, encouraged us all to get our "Nuts out for Great Tits" T-shirts, available from all retailers in Pranker's Wycke. Next week, Mick will share with us the plight of the Corn Bunting.

Ever wanted to pole dance to keep fit, but been too embarrassed to try? Tate Grits, a straight up American gal and part of the new Flying Fresh team, ran her first class at Wannakem Lyceum on Tuesday. "An uplifting experience," said Joan Mentley after the session.

If pole dancing feels a bit too exotic, maybe Gabby Flit's new Front Diet system is more your cup of tea. Join her band of losers at the Duke of Porchester, every Thursday at 8pm.

Well, what are the chances? Lyla Smott (nee Smittle) bought a lotto ticket, the morning of her wedding at Mitzmaid Cloisters last Saturday, which won her £9.7m! What a wedding night - full in the luck department? You bet!

And lastly, back from TEFL in Japan, we heard from Gale Whourmand who spoke about her reading group hobby. "'Book Clubber' they'd shout at me. I'd devour Moby Dick in one sitting," explained Gale who, with partner Scott Grimshaw, invites you to join her new reading group at the Wailing Anchor, Mondays at 8pm.

Letters #2

An unexpected coupling

Dear Residents

Just a quick note to thank all those who attended our ballroom dancing display on Thursday evening, nearly all the proceeds from which will go towards Sheila Fitt-Cumming’s ongoing Brown Trout effort. I am obligated to mention Kyle Vunt and the other lawyers who, for a fee, gave us Mefed Chambers when we realised rather late in the day that the Pranker’s Wycke Ringers were using the church hall.

I must also thank our very special guests, national Latin champion Blake U. Mead from High Drumping with his enormously talented troupe, who gave us a spirited display. Perfectly choreographed, delightfully seductive and dripping in physicality, one could almost smell and taste the passion. At the heart of the action was Blake’s partner Rose Pudely, who met embrace after embrace with unrelenting enthusiasm, before the final coming together and spectacular finish. It was, quite simply, breathtaking. 

I would also like to thank our very own impromptu coupling; Vicar Dirgin and Jaymie Lingerly. Having watched the professionals, Vicar Dirgin was overcome by an urge to get ‘stuck in’ as he told me afterwards. Equally aroused by our visiting virtuosos, Jaymie followed Vicar Dirgin’s lead and took to the floor. Spurred on by an excited audience, our brave couple launched themselves into a passionate duel. Nervous initially, her facial expressions almost pained, Jaymie was at times caught off balance by Vicar Dirgin’s cocksure embraces. She loosened up however as the movements quickened and tightened. Old hand Vicar Dirgin remained stiff throughout but did not disappoint with his legendary ganchos, whilst his ingénue thrilled us with her verdant cunitas. What an unexpected treat!

We look forward to seeing you at this year’s pantomime. If you need transport or would like to help out please do let me know ASAP.

Joan Mentley

Notices #3

Deaths

Victor Lagina, aged 57, passed away at home on Friday 30th November 2007, having spent the evening with friends at the Sleeping Wit. Tongue and groove master craftsman, keen woodsman and cunning linguist, Victor made a significant contribution to village life in Pranker's Wycke since arriving from Palermo in 1967. Dearly loved by many, he will be much missed by Joan Mentley, with whom he shared a deeply rooted friendship for over 30 years. Father Ruckable will lead a memorial service to be held at 1.30pm on Tuesday 11th December at Mitzmaid Cloister.

Notices #2

Missing

Nurtured by wildlife enthusiast Marge Lammaries, her two Great Tits had been regular visitors to the garden of no. 44 Sipping Rise. They were last seen on the morning of Monday 27th November.

“I’d been cleaning my box in preparation for a web-cam that Bertie Spellend is going to install for me,” explained Mrs. Lammaries. “My Great Tits usually just seem to be sitting in front of me, but when I looked down, they were gone!”

Mr. Lammaries, a keen twitcher, was shocked to hear of the disappearance. “Mick, my husband, had been in his shed crushing his nuts and bagging his seed for the winter, so he never saw nothing,” said the deflated part time geriatric nurse.

“I just hope they haven’t flown over the back field to Frock Cottage and been eaten by Snatch,” said Mick Lammaries. “Sister Foundly’s Shorthair has a dreadful reputation,” he added.

Marge Lammaries is anxious to know her Great Tits are OK and urges anyone with any information to get in touch.