Gavin Haysecks turns the other cheek

Gavin Haysecks's reign as Pranker's Wycke RFC player-coach is over, after a series of embarrassing whippings. Haysecks was most recently caught with his trousers down by a rampant first XV from Fole Hilling. The 44 year old bachelor, whose legendary tight grip on the younger players seemed to have wavered in recent months, has lost 8 of his last 10 games in charge.

In a statement, Haysecks chose not to respond to his critics, whom he claimed had backed him into a corner. Instead, the reluctant fall guy chose to praise his players, whom he insisted had always stood firmly behind him.

“Anyone who has recently spent time under Gavin must have been torn apart by his sudden withdrawal,” said popular team mouthpiece and scrum half, Vince Misibly. “He will be sorely missed.”

Haysecks’s successor will announced by Pranker’s Wycke RFC in early 2007.

Pat Fonce Eats Out

This month: Pat eats out at The Duke of Porchester

My dear gastronauts, welcome to cyberspace! As you will already know, this is the new home of my modest column. Before I start, I have some rather unfortunate news concerning the mariner’s restaurant, The Thirty Dinghies, which I reviewed last month. Sadly, it has since been forced into closure due to a sudden and unexplained downturn in custom. How ironic for this to coincide almost exactly with the publication of my piece! This is a particular blow for The Dinghies as it has been trading so successfully for many years.

And so to the current humble offering. This month I have had the pleasure of being accompanied by Julia (the daughter of my very good friend, Mrs T) and her dashing young beau, Simon Ida. The night was set to be one to remember as Julia was celebrating her appointment to the position of General Manager at the Jilly Chisholm Seminal Depository, a job of which she has been dreaming for most of her life. Well done Julia Trisbottler!

My two young companions and I met at seven at The Duke of Porchester, a delightful eighteenth century public house serving an eclectic 'melange from around the south coast'. The menu also boasts some guest dishes from the Far East.

After several rounds of apéritifs we were shown to our table by a nice young waiter and, as Simon and I sat down with the wine list, Julia trotted off to powder her nose. The lavatories must have been close to the kitchen because, upon Julia's return, the faint aroma of NAM PLA could be discerned peeking through the notes of her rather inelegant perfume.

Quite unexpectedly, Julia announced that she had an early start the next day and must leave immediately for home. Thinking I might now be able to get to know Simon better, I asked whether he would like to come over to my bachelor digs for a nightcap. We could convert the meal to a take away and perhaps I would be getting my lips around his THAI NEE PRIK whilst he could sample the delights of my GAI PAD.

It was not to be and, as Simon mumbled something about being drunk, I rather embarrassed myself by offering to nestle his sore head in my lap. Easily sidestepping my lunge, he made off apace toward the retreating figure of his cheap tart.

Thanking the waiter, I made my apologies and went home alone to peruse some DVDs I had received that very morning by mail order.

The Duke of Porchester scores 1 out of 5

Places to visit: The Sleeping Wit

Tucked away down Honey Mole Alley, you’ll find the Sleeping Wit, the oldest pub in Pranker’s Wycke. Seemingly always open, you are certain to find a companion at this local haven for folk wanting to slip away from their busy lives for a while. Having heaved open the imposing outer doors, and swept the tattered inner curtains aside, an instantly familiar smell begins to soothe your troubles away. The atmosphere is warm, cosy and dark. The Sleeping Wit oozes a deep sense of satisfaction and restfulness, whether you’re after a drink, something warm and hearty inside you, or maybe a bed for the night.

The Landlord, Tim Quickler, is just what you’d expect. A cheery face and keen to offer a helping hand, he’ll ensure a local tincture is waiting to wet your lips. Both Tim and Nikki, his barmaid, see themselves as just the current custodians of the Sleeping Wit, an almost living entity that has been an unassuming yet vital part of village life in Pranker’s Wycke for generations. They look forward to helping you take a load off.

Tim Quickler
Landlord
The Sleeping Wit
7 Honey Mole Alley
Pranker’s Wycke