News in brief #2

"Might be!" joked Bertie Spellend when asked if he was going to Ruthie Tascal's Vampire Ball. Spellend's firm, Digital Stimulation, is sponsoring the charity event, all proceeds from which will go towards raising the profile of blood donation.

Meanwhile, a local paparazzi experienced a snowy encounter with a diminutive stranger on Sunday evening. "He was standing there, so I took his picture. Then he propositioned me! He looked like a frozen pygmy," said the Ruff Mag photographer.

"There's no room for this kind of horseplay in Pranker's Wycke," said Tony Poucher commenting on disturbing revelations for the equine community. http://bit.ly/8l9cQ6

Police will today sweep the scene for evidence after a particularly violent attack in Hertinmer Square. "I'd come out of the Sleeping Wit, and bang, it all kicked off. She was a witch," said a dazed Bradley Moomhandled, the victim of last night's assault.

And lastly, now back at home, Ted Rodger's recovery should be speedy. His pride might take longer to mend! Others were also cut off today albeit by snow. http://bit.ly/6cXfvm

News in brief #1

Today's Agoraphobics Anonymous meet finished early due to poor attendance. Guest speaker Quentin Doors-Wickly was a no-show.

A new shop selling antique body jewellery, run by Nancy Fipple-Ring, opened yesterday in Hertinmer Square.

Mayor Lunter pulled a real stinker after getting his beer glasses steamy during his traditional New Year's Eve bar shift at the Sleeping Wit.

Congratulations to Madge Vucous without whose work we would not now be officially twinned with the village of Spagina in Italy.

Peggy Smeenis is petitioning the council for a Pranker's Wycke Annual Spoonerism Day. We like Monday the 1st.

And lastly, well we didn't beat Rage Against the Machine to the Xmas no.1 slot, but "The Yuletide Log" from Bertie Dumhole proved to be a massive no. 2 - Thanks to all the villagers in Pranker's Wycke for an unprecedented download.

Letters #1

Stand up, lest we be inconvenienced

Dear Residents

Firstly I must thank all of you who got behind my Brown Trout campaign. I regularly pinch a loaf from the bread bin and nip down to feed the fish! Last year’s significant release has really made Raphole Creek, the regeneration project and the crack-down on dumping, a local success story.

It is with positive expectations then that I ask you to join with me in a new movement, to prevent the closure of the public convenience in Hertinmer Square. Last week, the council stated that as part of plans to lay bigger cable, the public lavatory will need to be removed, with no provision to replace it.

When I need to drop the kids off in town or I’m doing a Brownie run, I find it reassuring to know there’s a place to go if I get caught short. Which facilities would office workers use in the event of an emergency evacuation? Where would customers of the Sleeping Wit spend a penny on the way home?

If we let this happen, what will close next? The post office or maybe the bank? Where then would we go to send a large brown package or make a liquid deposit?

We, the residents of Pranker’s Wycke, must not allow our concerns on the matter to be pooh-poohed. We must strain, such that our voices be heard. We should ready ourselves in case the council chooses to play dirty.

If you want to contribute to the “We won’t lose the loo!” campaign, please do get in touch.

Sheila Fitt-Cumming

Places to visit: The Sleeping Wit

Tucked away down Honey Mole Alley, you’ll find the Sleeping Wit, the oldest pub in Pranker’s Wycke. Seemingly always open, you are certain to find a companion at this local haven for folk wanting to slip away from their busy lives for a while. Having heaved open the imposing outer doors, and swept the tattered inner curtains aside, an instantly familiar smell begins to soothe your troubles away. The atmosphere is warm, cosy and dark. The Sleeping Wit oozes a deep sense of satisfaction and restfulness, whether you’re after a drink, something warm and hearty inside you, or maybe a bed for the night.

The Landlord, Tim Quickler, is just what you’d expect. A cheery face and keen to offer a helping hand, he’ll ensure a local tincture is waiting to wet your lips. Both Tim and Nikki, his barmaid, see themselves as just the current custodians of the Sleeping Wit, an almost living entity that has been an unassuming yet vital part of village life in Pranker’s Wycke for generations. They look forward to helping you take a load off.

Tim Quickler
Landlord
The Sleeping Wit
7 Honey Mole Alley
Pranker’s Wycke