tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-374644222024-02-28T22:58:40.876+00:00Blunghole's MemeThe noticeboard for the village of Pranker's WyckeJeremyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04766327808449299278noreply@blogger.comBlogger31125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37464422.post-89385725468041737162010-03-26T20:04:00.000+00:002010-03-26T20:04:06.489+00:00Heads up! It's the Candingstock lineup.The Chili Wafers, a new three piece band, look set to rock the festival circuit this summer, kicking off with a headline performance at our very own Candingstock Weekend. Dirty Flirtbox guitarist Gustav Mashsoon joins Flywoods Magrant drummer and namesake Mick Flywood, and unknown vocalist Hugo Yumper, in what promises to be the musical coming together of the year.<br />
<br />
"I've got a nose for these things," said Tiffany Snodger, rock cub journalist and self confessed Flywoods Magrant groupie. "With Mick beating out a rhythm on the skins, and Mashoon's fingers working overtime, we should be in for a real treat." The only remaining questions concern the apparently reluctant sex symbol Hugo Yumper. Well, all will be revealed come Saturday 7th August.<br />
<br />
Tickets go on sale Monday 29th March at 9.00am.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37464422.post-80471130847056211452010-02-16T10:00:00.000+00:002010-02-16T10:00:53.378+00:00Out of the frying pan and into a police cell."I adore them. It's Mardi Gras. It felt right to make a Shrove line. What more can I say?" said Frank Winnetically from his custody cell this morning. Serial offender Winnetically was this time arrested for a public indecency offence, after residents in Hertinmer Square reported a man simulating sex with a row of pancakes.<br />
<br />
"Our Scenes of Crime Officers found a number of lemon seeds which, once followed up, will give us a DNA profile," said a police spokesperson. "Frank Winnetically remains our no.1 suspect. This is a serious crime. He is delusional if he thinks this will be treated as just a pancake binge matter."Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37464422.post-2259511616369802872010-02-09T14:22:00.001+00:002010-02-09T14:54:48.838+00:00The week in review #4The week began with a sneak preview of Clive Drungehard's column, in which he recounts a foray into a muddy gully with a filthy lady, who then became a life long companion. For the full excerpt, click <a href="http://blungholesmeme.blogspot.com/2010/01/clive-drungehard-with-his-column-pulled.html">here</a>.<br />
<br />
On Friday evening, we were invited to partake in Spike Lunkalot's celebrated Jeans Quiz. The event was a huge success, with over £3,000 raised for charity. "I've never seen the Sleeping Wit rammed so full with denim clad know-it-alls!" said landlord Tim Quickler. Special thanks to Gavin Haysecks for donating his home brew; a vegetarian quorn beer.<br />
<br />
Then came the very welcome news that James A. Cluster is to investigate the collapse of Strong Locked Cover, after many policyholders claimed to have been massively shafted. Chief executive Nick Thob was unavailable for comment. "How they've been treated remains a huge boner [sic] contention for many residents," said Cluster.<br />
<br />
'Mick for Dummies' has proved very popular according to Mickey Stouse. The course is aimed at helping young single mothers develop basic IT skills. "Many of these girls haven't been properly stretched since their children were born," says Bertie Spellend, owner of course sponsors Digital Stimulation. "Mickey and I plan to change all that."<br />
<br />
On Monday we mourned the loss of Nial Taylor. A popular young man, Taylor died on-the-job, falling from a roof last week. His time with us was described by Father Ruckable as 'rife with laughters'. Partial to the odd late night, Jilly Chisholm fondly remembered finding him snoring in her thatch one icy morning.<span class="status-body"><span class="entry-content"> </span></span><br />
<br />
<span class="status-body"><span class="entry-content">In sporting news, the PWRFC inquiry, led by Bill Le Speans, asked Brian Laggart about Gavin Haysecks' <a href="http://blungholesmeme.blogspot.com/2006/12/gavin-haysecks-turns-other-cheek.html"> forced expulsion</a> in Dec 2006. Tight lipped as always, Laggart stated the issue was one of performance not meeting expectations, an allegation that has dogged Haysecks throughout his roller coaster career. Haysecks had been widely tipped to fill the England Captain's slot this week, but Bryan Toner quashed these rumours late on Wednesday, "It's not the right position for him."</span></span><br />
<br />
<span class="status-body"><span class="entry-content">Now, with the green shoots of spring beginning to poke though the cold, here's a timely reminder to </span></span><span class="status-body"><span class="entry-content">'Protect young buds' from Hector Rymen & Vicar Dirgin. A pamphlet for anyone who hoes and gardens at the first glimpse of an untouched rose. Pick one up at any retail outlet in Pranker's Wycke.</span></span><br />
<br />
<span class="status-body"><span class="entry-content">Nadia Hutsfeel and Tatum O'Scroble offered to help the men of Pranker's Wycke give our inhibitions a good shake-off this week. The Testicular Cancer Roadshow proved a strong draw. Even Duncan Spash managed to put himself in the hands of Miss Hutsfeel before shooting off.</span></span><br />
<br />
<span class="status-body"><span class="entry-content">The fire service got a welcome boost this week with the appointment of rookie Vernon Banish. "We need all the help we can get with this recent spate of arson attacks," commented Chief Broditch.</span></span><br />
<br />
<span class="status-body"><span class="entry-content">And lastly, a touching story of pet grooming and taxidermy. </span></span><span class="status-body"><span class="entry-content">"If it's not Steven Bruffit, it's not taxidermy," said Peaches Blossom, ex-wife of deceased animal stuffer Mat Bounter & owner of Blow & Go Pets. Praise indeed for Bruffit's new venture which opens for business later this month.</span></span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37464422.post-13801904859348124122010-01-26T11:31:00.001+00:002010-01-26T11:34:59.445+00:00Mick for DummiesMickey Stouse, from Digital Stimulation, is to run a series of classes, called 'Mick for Dummies', aimed at helping young single mothers develop the necessary skills and confidence to use computers and the internet.<br />
<br />
"Bertie and me see it all the time. We know they feel trapped at home. They can't get out to do the shopping, or go to work or even see friends. Computers with webcams connected to the internet are a great way from them to meet people, to shop and even make a bit of money if they want to, all from the comfort of their bedrooms!" said Mickey, explaining the rational behind the course. "We want the girls to have confidence in using computers and the internet safely. It's all about these young mums having and sharing the ryte [sic] belief on the web."<br />
<br />
For more information, give Mickey or Bertie a call or drop in to Digital Stimulation (assuming you can get out of the house).Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37464422.post-10300658333770873242010-01-21T14:59:00.004+00:002010-01-21T17:38:21.663+00:00Snatch a glimpse of Clive Drungehard's column in our sneak previewNext month's Ruff Mag features columnist and off-road enthusiast, Clive Drungehard, talking candidly about his enduring love affair with a now elderly lady. With permission, we print an excerpt to whet your appetite.<i> </i><br />
<br />
<i>Our first encounter was on a Friday evening in 1973, down a back street of Bolden-cum-Hack. I paid a man £100 for her. She was battered, scratched, and leaking a bit, but she was beautiful. My very own Landy [sic] Rover. I took her home, washed and cleaned her before going to bed. The next morning I rose early, jumped inside her and off we went on the first of many dirty, filthy, mucky weekends. A thirsty girl, I filled her up twice before we reached our destination; the glorious Peak District.</i><br />
<br />
<i>We set up camp on the outskirts of a small village, amongst some trees that bordered a very wide and muddy gulley. Perfect for a our first attempt at bogging. With a little tug on my lever, she was on all 4's, her low box making light work for me as I entered the slimy ditch. I'll spare you the ins and outs, suffice to say that after a very hairy but nonetheless enjoyable hour, we ended up well and truly stuck. I lent on my horn for a couple of minutes before eventually going for help. Pulling first timers out of the mudhole seemed to be a regular occurrence for the locals. The rest of the weeked is now a blur, probably because of the hospitality at the Crown Tap. Such a helpful and welcoming community, you could do a lot worse than getting stuck in Firling Ephert.</i><br />
<br />
Read more about Clive's adventures with Landy, plus a review of Aston Busshole's latest model, the Intruder. Ruff Mag - out on February 1st.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37464422.post-68080231085597956932010-01-19T11:10:00.003+00:002010-01-19T11:14:24.830+00:00The week in review (formerly News in brief) #3We started the week with a question. Recession: has the bust been over inflated? Paradoxically, cosmetic surgeon, Hunter Mayter M.D. FACS, felt it had. In an upbeat interview, Mayter and his colleague Justin Mector M.D., introduced us to Flying Fresh, their new clinic and first venture outside the US. For the full interview, click <a href="http://blungholesmeme.blogspot.com/2010/01/recession-has-bust-been-over-inflated.html">here</a>.<br />
<br />
Next came the distressing news that Sheena Vnitzel had closed her Austrian restaurant, the Strudel Feichlater, pending an Environmental Health investigation. Diners reportedly became ill on the evening celebrity couple V and D were due to make a public appearance.<br />
<br />
On Tuesday, with the snow melting rapidly, Marge Lammaries reminded us that her Great Tits were increasingly heading south, in search of food. Mick, her husband, encouraged us all to get our "Nuts out for Great Tits" T-shirts, available from all retailers in Pranker's Wycke. Next week, Mick will share with us the plight of the Corn Bunting.<br />
<br />
Ever wanted to pole dance to keep fit, but been too embarrassed to try? Tate Grits, a straight up American gal and part of the new Flying Fresh team, ran her first class at Wannakem Lyceum on Tuesday. "An uplifting experience," said Joan Mentley after the session.<br />
<br />
If pole dancing feels a bit too exotic, maybe Gabby Flit's new Front Diet system is more your cup of tea. Join her band of losers at the Duke of Porchester, every Thursday at 8pm.<br />
<br />
Well, what are the chances? Lyla Smott (nee Smittle) bought a lotto ticket, the morning of her wedding at Mitzmaid Cloisters last Saturday, which won her £9.7m! What a wedding night - full in the luck department? You bet!<br />
<br />
And lastly, back from TEFL in Japan, we heard from Gale Whourmand who spoke about her reading group hobby. "'Book Clubber' they'd shout at me. I'd devour Moby Dick in one sitting," explained Gale who, with partner Scott Grimshaw, invites you to join her new reading group at the Wailing Anchor, Mondays at 8pm.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37464422.post-69375089121232630092010-01-13T13:21:00.000+00:002010-01-13T13:21:26.559+00:00Recession: has the bust been over inflated? Paradoxically, Hunter Mayter thinks so"Flying Fresh is about feeling young again. It's about soaring to new places, with a little help from us!" quipped Hunter Mayter, M.D. FACS, with a flash of his perfect white teeth. Mayter, a cosmetic surgeon from Flushing Gaps, KY. is opening a new premises adjacent to the Duke of Porchester pub in Pranker's Wycke.<br />
<br />
Offering a wide range of surgical procedures, non-surgical treatments and cosmetic dentistry, Flying Fresh aims to help people feel great about their appearance. "We build a relationship with our patients based on trust. Our experts provide a thorough consultation to help customers make the right decisions," explained resident expert in charge of non-surgical treatments, Justin Mecter, M.D.<br />
<br />
With state-of-the-art facilities, complete after care service and flexible finance options, the future looks bright for Flying Fresh, especially if those pearly whites are anything to go by! <br />
<br />
To arrange a free, no obligation consultation, either call or drop by and ask for Tate Grits.<br />
<br />
Flying Fresh.<br />
8 High Street,<br />
Pranker's Wycke.<br />
T: 44371<br />
E: flyingfresh@prankers.wycke.zzUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37464422.post-77326452129458878032010-01-11T21:11:00.002+00:002010-01-11T21:17:39.620+00:00News in brief #2"Might be!" joked Bertie Spellend when asked if he was going to Ruthie Tascal's Vampire Ball. Spellend's firm, Digital Stimulation, is sponsoring the charity event, all proceeds from which will go towards raising the profile of blood donation.<br />
<br />
Meanwhile, a local paparazzi experienced a snowy encounter with a diminutive stranger on Sunday evening. "He was standing there, so I took his picture. Then he propositioned me! He looked like a frozen pygmy," said the Ruff Mag photographer.<br />
<br />
"There's no room for this kind of horseplay in Pranker's Wycke," said Tony Poucher commenting on disturbing revelations for the equine community. <a class="tweet-url web" href="http://bit.ly/8l9cQ6" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">http://bit.ly/8l9cQ6</a><br />
<br />
Police will today sweep the scene for evidence after a particularly violent attack in Hertinmer Square. "I'd come out of the Sleeping Wit, and bang, it all kicked off. She was a witch," said a dazed Bradley Moomhandled, the victim of last night's assault.<br />
<br />
And lastly, now back at home, Ted Rodger's recovery should be speedy. His pride might take longer to mend! Others were also cut off today albeit by snow. <a class="tweet-url web" href="http://bit.ly/6cXfvm" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">http://bit.ly/6cXfvm</a>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37464422.post-44390450189772916192010-01-05T11:47:00.000+00:002010-01-05T11:47:17.583+00:00Find my Grace!The PWBC today announced plans for a new show to find a bride for legendary gourmet and seasoned bachelor, Pat Fonce. "Find my Grace!" a reality TV series, set to air in the summer of 2010, will be fronted by Willow Swallyjuice, our newest arrival in Pranker's Wycke. "I've always been a bit of a matchmaker, or 'Grace Finder' I suppose I should say!" she said at the press conference earlier today when asked about her role.<br />
<br />
To be in with a chance of winning the coveted title Mrs Pat Fonce, young hopefuls will initially apply on-line. A review panel, made up of Fonce and Judge Fouster, will narrow down the entries to12 potential brides-to-be who will go on to feature in the TV series, the winner of which will be announced on July 11th.<br />
<br />
"If they can survive what we're planning on putting them through, being married to me will be a walk in the park," said Fonce uncomfortably when asked about his involvement in the show. "There's been some suggestion that my nuptials are for tax purposes only. There is no truth in this whatsoever," he continued. As he was leaving the press conference Fonce was asked what tip he had for budding applicants. "I like them mannish," he replied climbing into his car.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37464422.post-59646896756874200482010-01-04T00:10:00.004+00:002010-01-04T00:19:54.711+00:00News in brief #1Today's Agoraphobics Anonymous meet finished early due to poor attendance. Guest speaker Quentin Doors-Wickly was a no-show.<br />
<br />
A new shop selling antique body jewellery, run by Nancy Fipple-Ring, opened yesterday in Hertinmer Square.<br />
<br />
Mayor Lunter pulled a real stinker after getting his beer glasses steamy during his traditional New Year's Eve bar shift at the Sleeping Wit.<br />
<br />
Congratulations to Madge Vucous without whose work we would not now be officially twinned with the village of Spagina in Italy.<br />
<br />
Peggy Smeenis is petitioning the council for a Pranker's Wycke Annual Spoonerism Day. We like Monday the 1st.<br />
<br />
And lastly, well we didn't beat Rage Against the Machine to the Xmas no.1 slot, but "The Yuletide Log" from Bertie Dumhole proved to be a massive no. 2 - Thanks to all the villagers in Pranker's Wycke for an unprecedented download.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37464422.post-81252000587041061632009-12-27T23:46:00.000+00:002009-12-27T23:46:03.297+00:00Lady Shovehole's Cirsute Hunt is cut shortBoxing Day saw Lady Shovehole's huge ancestral spread once again play host to the Cirsute Hunt. The event nearly ended in disaster after spectators, who had turned out in their hundreds, spooked keen horsewoman Jules Misdrinker's big colt Trojan, causing her to go down. Shaken but unhurt, Misdrinker swallowed her pride then remounted, to finish a now shortened course.<br />
<br />
This year's hunt, likely to be the last before the ban is overturned, attracted an unprecedented crowd of both protesters and supporters in equal numbers.<br />
<br />
"It's my pre-laid scent," said the recently engaged and soon to be Helena Smarry-Monk, Hunt Organiser. "Clearly it took the hounds and riders too close to onlookers, but despite the fall sustained by Jules, the day has been a huge success and we are all looking forward to next year's event already."Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37464422.post-65546797784251080302009-12-25T10:46:00.000+00:002009-12-25T10:46:22.276+00:00Season's Greetings!Blessings and glad tidings to all the residents of Pranker's Wycke. This year Father Ruckable and Sister Foundly will be joined by Vicar Dirgin and Rector Fuelgood from Tumonme City. At 11am they will lead a Christmas Day Service from Mitzmaid Cloister. All are welcome.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37464422.post-71721823067403973632009-12-02T21:09:00.009+00:002009-12-10T15:53:29.224+00:00Haysecks seeking new partner for foursome<div>Retired rugby captain Gavin Haysecks is in need of a new partner for the forthcoming PWGA Pro-Celebrity Golf Open Championship after his pro-partner Austin Lanus was forced to pull out with a broken bone sustained during an earlier practice session.<br />
</div><div><br />
</div><div>“Obviously it was a massive blow,” said Haysecks, “and I’m hugely disappointed it had to end this way. It was great to experience his mastery first hand and I certainly learnt a few new tricks I’m looking forward to trying out when I get back home to Biddlewith Falls.”<br />
</div><div><br />
</div><div>Lanus, who dominated the game in the mid 80s, was famous for his insatiable hard-driving approach which won him the admiration and respect of fans and fellow pros alike. Former PWGA champion and long time friend Sandy Rexgod spoke warmly of Lanus’ impact on the sport.<br />
</div><div><br />
</div><div>“I remember the first time I played with Austin. Such a mixture of arrogance, confidence and down-right brute force. At every tee he’d just casually drop his balls in the box, grip his enormous wood and with an almighty swing, slap them into the middle of next week. It didn’t matter how tight the approach or what obstacles stood between him and the prize, he’d just go at it stroke after stroke, and invariable sunk it before the rest of us had even got within touching distance of the fringe.”<br />
</div><div><br />
</div><div>“I guess it’s the price you pay when you swing like I do,” mused a philosophical Lanus when asked about his injury. “As you know, I’ve never shied away from a bit of rough, and I was convinced if I pulled out the big-dog and gave it some stick I could force my way through to the hole. Unfortunately I snagged my head on the down-stroke and the old shaft simply snapped under the pressure.”<br />
</div><div><br />
</div><div>“It used to spring back when I was younger, but perhaps age is finally catching up with me,” he added waving his cast in resignation. “The docs tell me it will heal in time, but I guess I may need to reign in my enthusiasm in future”.<br />
</div><div><br />
</div><div>With only 3 days to go before the tournament opens, Haysecks now faces an uphill task trying to find someone to fill the enormous hole left by Lanus' withdrawal.<br />
<br />
<br />
</div>Ed 4http://www.blogger.com/profile/00672757339169148877noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37464422.post-58500359952454582942009-11-29T00:46:00.002+00:002009-12-10T15:53:04.994+00:00Letters #2<div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB"><i>An unexpected coupling</i><o:p></o:p></span><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">Dear Residents<o:p></o:p></span><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">Just a quick note to thank all those who attended our ballroom dancing display on Thursday evening, <i>nearly</i> all the proceeds from which will go towards Sheila Fitt-Cumming’s ongoing Brown Trout effort. I am obligated to mention Kyle Vunt and the other lawyers who, for a fee, gave us Mefed Chambers when we realised rather late in the day that the Pranker’s Wycke Ringers were using the church hall.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">I must also thank our very special guests, national Latin champion Blake U. Mead from High Drumping with his enormously talented troupe, who gave us a spirited display. Perfectly choreographed, delightfully seductive and dripping in physicality, one could almost smell and taste the passion. At the heart of the action was Blake’s partner Rose Pudely, who met embrace after embrace with unrelenting enthusiasm, before the final coming together and spectacular finish. It was, quite simply, breathtaking. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">I would also like to thank our very own impromptu coupling; Vicar Dirgin and Jaymie Lingerly. Having watched the professionals, Vicar Dirgin was overcome by an urge to get ‘stuck in’ as he told me afterwards. Equally aroused by our visiting virtuosos, Jaymie followed Vicar Dirgin’s lead and took to the floor. Spurred on by an excited audience, our brave couple launched themselves into a passionate duel. Nervous initially, her facial expressions almost pained, Jaymie was at times caught off balance by Vicar Dirgin’s cocksure embraces. She loosened up however as the movements quickened and tightened. Old hand Vicar Dirgin remained stiff throughout but did not disappoint with his legendary ganchos, whilst his </span>ingénue thrilled us with her verdant cunitas. What an unexpected treat!<br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">We look forward to seeing you at this year’s pantomime. If you need transport or would like to help out please do let me know ASAP.<br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Joan Mentley<br />
<br />
<span lang="EN-GB"></span><br />
<span lang="EN-GB"></span><br />
<span lang="EN-GB"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37464422.post-91168986127664392572007-12-07T16:29:00.001+00:002007-12-09T12:38:21.758+00:00Notices #3<em>Deaths</em><br /><br />Victor Lagina, aged 57, passed away at home on Friday 30th November 2007, having spent the evening with friends at the Sleeping Wit. Tongue and groove master craftsman, keen woodsman and cunning linguist, Victor made a significant contribution to village life in Pranker's Wycke since arriving from Palermo in 1967. Dearly loved by many, he will be much missed by Joan Mentley, with whom he shared a deeply rooted friendship for over 30 years. Father Ruckable will lead a memorial service to be held at 1.30pm on Tuesday 11th December at Mitzmaid Cloister.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37464422.post-11319514724263080482007-07-14T23:40:00.000+00:002007-12-09T12:37:52.441+00:00Shocking Floods at Cheeding BluffThe residents of the exclusive Cheeding Bluff Private Estate woke this morning to a sight of unprecedented destruction. Following several days of heavy rain, a section of the landscaped slopes collapsed, sending a large portion of the ornamental hanging gardens crashing down onto several houses.<br /><br />“It was terrifying,” sobbed Sheila Fitt-Cumming. “I felt an ominous rumbling at about five AM and, before I could do anything, the bed was engulfed by a wave of brown slurry. The pressure blew out the windows and I was squirted out onto the veranda.”<br /><br />In the midst of the devastation, some angry resident have pointed the finger at the estate gardener, Hector Rymen.<br /><br />“I blame Rymen,” said an angry Mr Hinge. “Everyone knows what goes on up there. Only the other day I saw him pounding away with his Dutch Hoe. He’s been laying pipe all over the hillside. He opens up gashes willy nilly with no thought of the consequences.”<br /><br />"I certainly wouldn't let him near my bedding," added local spinster Cristine Punt. "He has a keen interest in new projects and young buds, but I'm not convinced he's committed to more mature spots like mine."<br /><br />Mr Rymen has strenuously denied he is responsible for the disaster. “Hinge has had it in for me since he discovered me in his wife’s secret garden. Can I help it if Mary likes the way I trim her bush? As for the pipe laying – I don’t deny that. It’s essential maintenance to the water supply that feeds the gardens. Lots of the ladies call me up to take care of this sort of thing. Their husbands just don’t have the right tools for the job.”<br /><br />“I admit he’s been very active,” agreed neighbour Lucy Jabia, “but he always finishes what he starts. Only the other week I had him on my lawn to look at the damp patches at the bottom. He immediately fingered the problem. What I hadn’t realised is that, behind my hedge, there was a large gully that would gush uncontrollably from time to time. He said that a good pump would sort me out, and he came back and gave me one the following day. It was a gigantic screw. I must admit I was quite surprised.”<br /><br />“Clearly it’s Hector Rymen!” said an angry Enis Penvy. “I simply don’t believe you can have such a massive screw without irrevocably damaging the gully.”<br /><br />However, when quizzed about its destructive nature, Mr Rymen maintained that appearances could be deceptive. “It’s a common mistake for the layman to make. They just don’t understand the principle behind pumping. Really it’s perfectly safe – people have been doing it like this since Archimedes. It’s just not the type of screw they’re used to dealing with. At the end of the day, it’s just a progressive cavity pump. I prefer it because it means I can pump at extremely low rates, even under high pressure, and it always ends up producing the required head."<br /><br />As the clean up continues, Gavin Haysecks, leader of the residents association, has promised to resolve the matter as soon possible. “Rest assured that I’ve been meaning to look into this whole uphill gardening thing for some time, and I won’t rest until I’ve got to the bottom of it.”Ed 4http://www.blogger.com/profile/00672757339169148877noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37464422.post-42169730348006794072007-02-23T15:26:00.000+00:002007-12-09T12:36:47.709+00:00Tony Poucher is feeling a little hoarse"It’s all the shouting I was doing at yesterday’s fundraiser," revealed Tony Poucher, manager at the Equine Home of Rest. Tucked away in the secluded hamlet of Stross Gables, the home has been a sanctuary for abused, mistreated and unloved horses, ponies and donkeys for over 20 years.<br /><br />The 35 current residents receive hands-on attention from volunteer helpers who gladly spend most of their spare time giving the animals the love they’ve hitherto missed out on. “They definitely respond to all the stroking and touching,” said Deborah Zickmüncher, a regular helper at the home. “Trojan is my favourite. He’s massive, the biggest here. Each morning when me and the other girls turn up, he is desperate to get his oats.”<br /><br />“All the team here bend over backwards for these beasts,” acknowledged Tony. “Helping out is often about blood, sweat and tears. It takes a special kind of person to do what we do. Flexibility is critical, as some days we’re here at the home, other days we take a couple of the animals to farm shows to raise funds.”<br /><br />Despite these regular events and welcome donations received from visitors, the future at the Equine Home of Rest is not certain. Jules Misdrinker, willing helper and keen horsewoman, had in the past offered up her sizeable box to residents of the home, but changes in insurance and HSE legislation now make this impossible. “Without transport, we can’t get the horses to the public, which has a big impact on our funding,” explained Jules. “I used to easily accommodate a couple of young colts in my box. The other girls and I always prefer to take a big one if possible, although I’ve never managed more than 18 hands.”<br /><br />But all is not lost. Victor Loleshole, a Pranker’s Wycke wildlife conservationist, has promised the home some local authority funding. So it looks like they will be getting that much needed transportation after all.<br /><br />“Do come and visit us, it’s a great family day out. With your entry fees and donations we can continue to provide a safe haven for these dear creatures, a place where they can live out their days in peace,” said Tony disappearing into the cold February night to cover his mares.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37464422.post-18729255255955952932007-02-15T22:02:00.000+00:002007-12-09T12:35:35.802+00:00Tackle's out up Raphole CreekThe quiet waterways of Pranker’s Wycke seem an unlikely location for invasion. Yet, beneath our still waters, an interloper is lurking. The enemy is the armoured suckermouth catfish, an invasive North American species that has spread rapidly since first recorded in Raphole Creek less than a year ago.<br /><br />“It’s extremely worrying,” said Ms Trish E Fench, president of the Wycke Angler’s Association. “The local fauna simply can’t compete with its voracious appetite and ability to stay on the bed no matter the force of the discharge. If we can’t control it, our traditional spawning grounds at Runkon Spring will be decimated.”<br /><br />The unfamiliar habits of this new breed have so far thwarted the efforts of resident anglers.<br /><br />“The main problem is the suckermouth seems to show no interest in our flies,” explained club secretary Grant Pope, who this time last year was happily organising his tackle for the coming season. “We’ve tried everything. Even Trish, who really knows how to dress the hook, hasn’t had any luck so far.”<br /><br />“Despite the cold, some of our hardier male members have been out morning, noon and night, but without so much as a nibble,” added Ms Fench. “I went to join them yesterday after work, and the sight of them all standing hopefully with their rods in hand filled me with a strange mixture of pride and despair.”<br /><br />However, all is not yet lost, and Trish is hopeful that if we, the residents of Pranker’s Wycke, pull together, we can be free of the suckermouth once more.<br /><br />“It came to me in a flash last evening. Grant was fumbling around in my box for inspiration after another fruitless session up the Creek. Suddenly I realised - it wasn’t so much the bait as the technique that was lacking. Catching North American fish requires North American methods. Fortunately I remembered a recent visit to my old friend Vicky Stibrator in Kentucky. She had lost interest in rods some time ago, but achieved great success and satisfaction by skilful use of the hand. She quickly established herself as the local ‘dogging’ expert, as Kentuckians call the widespread practice of catching catfish using only one’s bare hands. (I understand it is called noodling or tickling elsewhere). Well, Grant was off like a flash after I told him, and had immediate success where Wyedmi Rife runs up the back of the overflow car park. I think this may be the taste of things to come.”<br /><br />In order for dogging to really be successful, we need as many people as possible to get out into the fresh air and have a go. A sign-up sheet is in the townhall so do please get involved and let us know if you have any success catching a suckermouth.Ed 4http://www.blogger.com/profile/00672757339169148877noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37464422.post-20579460629399164852007-02-13T00:38:00.000+00:002007-02-14T22:05:13.124+00:00Double-click your mouse with Digital StimulationHey there web fans! As promised, our cafe is now open offering you a variety of freshly brewed coffees made from the highest quality beans. Choose from our delicious range of sandwiches, salads and pastries. You can meet with friends, grab a byte (nerd alert), or simply drop in to access the Internet from your laptop using our free wifi service. If you require a little privacy, you can help yourself to one of our Internet terminals. All five self contained booths are cleaned after each customer; there is nothing more annoying than somebody else's mess all over the place when you want to chuck your own stuff down. Mickey Stouse, our tech support, is always available to lend you a hand if you get stuck. We hope to see you soon!<br /><br /><em>Top tip</em>: When you’re using public terminals to access the Internet, at the end of your session, however tired you may be, remember to sign out of any websites you’ve logged into. This prevents any trace of your activity falling into the wrong hands.<br /><br />Bertie Spellend ;-)Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37464422.post-38990367569638129152007-02-11T22:19:00.000+00:002007-12-09T12:32:09.592+00:00They promised us it was over; Frank Winnetically is ringing againThe Pranker's Wycke Ringers met yesterday evening for our first practice session of the year. We are extremely grateful to Sister Foundly who gave us Frock Cottage for the night. It was especially pleasing to have a couple of campanological 'virgins' amongst the old hands, and I know the excitement on their faces brought memories of my first pick-up flooding back. We were also delighted to welcome back Frank Winnetically after his time away from us. I know I speak for all the ringers when I say that without his energetic and skillful direction, we found co-ordinating anything more than a two-in-hand quite impossible: Frank you certainly left a hole that no other man could fill.<br /><br />After the introductions and a gentle warm-up, we got straight down to business. Frank's pick-up was as polished as ever, and his ring had lost none of the warmth that won him such acclaim in last year's exhibition at Mitzmaid Cloister. At first the new-comers were rather shy and tentative, poor technique quickly tiring their wrists. However, after a short break for tea, we were all back at it. Frank explained how, for a "normal" ring it is important to move the bell about six inches out and away from the body (in a motion parallel with the floor), keeping the bell slightly tilted so the clapper rests against the back side of the casting. An abrupt stop should follow, and the inertia of the clapper does the rest.<br /><br />We then spent a delightful hour "getting to know each other", with some simple change ringing. This gave our novices the chance to adjust their backstroke and hand-strokes to our tempo. The always eager Job Nockey gave us the highlight of the evening when a combination of sweaty palms on wood and a particularly vigorous hand-stroke resulted in him losing his grip altogether. His instrument sailed over our heads and landed, bell-end first, on the supper tray that was at that very moment being brought into the parlour by Paul's wife, Peggy Smeenis. Peggy had brought along one of her home made cheeses which she'd been carefully ripening for the occasion, and this took the brunt of the impact, spraying her face with sticky globules. There wasn't a dry eye in the house as Job, purple-headed with embarrassment, tugged the bell free and attempted to scrape as much cheese from around his rim as possible.<br /><br />After that, all we were fit for was to round off the evening with a gentle travelling two-in-hand. We are already looking forward to our next session when Frank has promised to teach us his famous knuckle grip.<br /><br />If anyone is interested in joining the Pranker's Wycke Ringers, please contact Donna Tugick.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37464422.post-9435114055026722792007-01-09T22:50:00.000+00:002007-12-09T12:30:36.400+00:00Letters #1<em>Stand up, lest we be inconvenienced</em><br /><br />Dear Residents<br /><br />Firstly I must thank all of you who got behind my Brown Trout campaign. I regularly pinch a loaf from the bread bin and nip down to feed the fish! Last year’s significant release has really made Raphole Creek, the regeneration project and the crack-down on dumping, a local success story.<br /><br />It is with positive expectations then that I ask you to join with me in a new movement, to prevent the closure of the public convenience in Hertinmer Square. Last week, the council stated that as part of plans to lay bigger cable, the public lavatory will need to be removed, with no provision to replace it.<br /><br />When I need to drop the kids off in town or I’m doing a Brownie run, I find it reassuring to know there’s a place to go if I get caught short. Which facilities would office workers use in the event of an emergency evacuation? Where would customers of the Sleeping Wit spend a penny on the way home?<br /><br />If we let this happen, what will close next? The post office or maybe the bank? Where then would we go to send a large brown package or make a liquid deposit?<br /><br />We, the residents of Pranker’s Wycke, must not allow our concerns on the matter to be pooh-poohed. We must strain, such that our voices be heard. We should ready ourselves in case the council chooses to play dirty.<br /><br />If you want to contribute to the “We won’t lose the loo!” campaign, please do get in touch.<br /><br />Sheila Fitt-CummingUnknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37464422.post-29612505693283885672006-12-20T14:10:00.000+00:002007-12-09T12:27:46.648+00:00Gavin Haysecks turns the other cheekGavin Haysecks's reign as Pranker's Wycke RFC player-coach is over, after a series of embarrassing whippings. Haysecks was most recently caught with his trousers down by a rampant first XV from Fole Hilling. The 44 year old bachelor, whose legendary tight grip on the younger players seemed to have wavered in recent months, has lost 8 of his last 10 games in charge.<br /><br />In a statement, Haysecks chose not to respond to his critics, whom he claimed had backed him into a corner. Instead, the reluctant fall guy chose to praise his players, whom he insisted had always stood firmly behind him.<br /><br />“Anyone who has recently spent time under Gavin must have been torn apart by his sudden withdrawal,” said popular team mouthpiece and scrum half, Vince Misibly. “He will be sorely missed.”<br /><br />Haysecks’s successor will announced by Pranker’s Wycke RFC in early 2007.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37464422.post-2155436580840513472006-12-10T20:45:00.000+00:002007-12-09T12:27:09.694+00:00Pat Fonce Eats Out<span style="FONT-STYLE: italic">This month: Pat eats out at The Duke of Porchester</span><br /><br />My dear gastronauts, welcome to cyberspace! As you will already know, this is the new home of my modest column. Before I start, I have some rather unfortunate news concerning the mariner’s restaurant, The Thirty Dinghies, which I reviewed last month. Sadly, it has since been forced into closure due to a sudden and unexplained downturn in custom. How ironic for this to coincide almost exactly with the publication of my piece! This is a particular blow for The Dinghies as it has been trading so successfully for many years.<br /><br />And so to the current humble offering. This month I have had the pleasure of being accompanied by Julia (the daughter of my very good friend, Mrs T) and her dashing young beau, Simon Ida. The night was set to be one to remember as Julia was celebrating her appointment to the position of General Manager at the Jilly Chisholm Seminal Depository, a job of which she has been dreaming for most of her life. Well done Julia Trisbottler!<br /><br />My two young companions and I met at seven at The Duke of Porchester, a delightful eighteenth century public house serving an eclectic 'melange from around the south coast'. The menu also boasts some guest dishes from the Far East.<br /><br />After several rounds of apéritifs we were shown to our table by a nice young waiter and, as Simon and I sat down with the wine list, Julia trotted off to powder her nose. The lavatories must have been close to the kitchen because, upon Julia's return, the faint aroma of NAM PLA could be discerned peeking through the notes of her rather inelegant perfume.<br /><br />Quite unexpectedly, Julia announced that she had an early start the next day and must leave immediately for home. Thinking I might now be able to get to know Simon better, I asked whether he would like to come over to my bachelor digs for a nightcap. We could convert the meal to a take away and perhaps I would be getting my lips around his THAI NEE PRIK whilst he could sample the delights of my GAI PAD.<br /><br />It was not to be and, as Simon mumbled something about being drunk, I rather embarrassed myself by offering to nestle his sore head in my lap. Easily sidestepping my lunge, he made off apace toward the retreating figure of his cheap tart.<br /><br />Thanking the waiter, I made my apologies and went home alone to peruse some DVDs I had received that very morning by mail order.<br /><br />The Duke of Porchester scores 1 out of 5Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37464422.post-54455858730839293502006-12-09T10:44:00.000+00:002007-12-09T12:25:08.467+00:00Places to visit: The Sleeping WitTucked away down Honey Mole Alley, you’ll find the Sleeping Wit, the oldest pub in Pranker’s Wycke. Seemingly always open, you are certain to find a companion at this local haven for folk wanting to slip away from their busy lives for a while. Having heaved open the imposing outer doors, and swept the tattered inner curtains aside, an instantly familiar smell begins to soothe your troubles away. The atmosphere is warm, cosy and dark. The Sleeping Wit oozes a deep sense of satisfaction and restfulness, whether you’re after a drink, something warm and hearty inside you, or maybe a bed for the night.<br /><br />The Landlord, Tim Quickler, is just what you’d expect. A cheery face and keen to offer a helping hand, he’ll ensure a local tincture is waiting to wet your lips. Both Tim and Nikki, his barmaid, see themselves as just the current custodians of the Sleeping Wit, an almost living entity that has been an unassuming yet vital part of village life in Pranker’s Wycke for generations. They look forward to helping you take a load off.<br /><br />Tim Quickler<br />Landlord<br />The Sleeping Wit<br />7 Honey Mole Alley<br />Pranker’s WyckeUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37464422.post-55051635893664514542006-11-29T00:15:00.000+00:002007-12-09T12:23:54.615+00:00Notices #2<em>Missing </em><br /><br />Nurtured by wildlife enthusiast Marge Lammaries, her two Great Tits had been regular visitors to the garden of no. 44 Sipping Rise. They were last seen on the morning of Monday 27th November.<br /><br />“I’d been cleaning my box in preparation for a web-cam that Bertie Spellend is going to install for me,” explained Mrs. Lammaries. “My Great Tits usually just seem to be sitting in front of me, but when I looked down, they were gone!”<br /><br />Mr. Lammaries, a keen twitcher, was shocked to hear of the disappearance. “Mick, my husband, had been in his shed crushing his nuts and bagging his seed for the winter, so he never saw nothing,” said the deflated part time geriatric nurse.<br /><br />“I just hope they haven’t flown over the back field to Frock Cottage and been eaten by Snatch,” said Mick Lammaries. “Sister Foundly’s Shorthair has a dreadful reputation,” he added.<br /><br />Marge Lammaries is anxious to know her Great Tits are OK and urges anyone with any information to get in touch.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3