Friday, December 07, 2007

Notices #3

Deaths

Victor Lagina, aged 57, passed away at home on Friday 30th November 2007, having spent the evening with friends at the Sleeping Wit. Tongue and groove master craftsman, keen woodsman and cunning linguist, Victor made a significant contribution to village life in Pranker's Wycke since arriving from Palermo in 1967. Dearly loved by many, he will be much missed by Joan Mentley, with whom he shared a deeply rooted friendship for over 30 years. Father Ruckable will lead a memorial service to be held at 1.30pm on Tuesday 11th December at Mitzmaid Cloister.

Saturday, July 14, 2007

Shocking Floods at Cheeding Bluff

The residents of the exclusive Cheeding Bluff Private Estate woke this morning to a sight of unprecedented destruction. Following several days of heavy rain, a section of the landscaped slopes collapsed, sending a large portion of the ornamental hanging gardens crashing down onto several houses.

“It was terrifying,” sobbed Sheila Fitt-Cumming. “I felt an ominous rumbling at about five AM and, before I could do anything, the bed was engulfed by a wave of brown slurry. The pressure blew out the windows and I was squirted out onto the veranda.”

In the midst of the devastation, some angry resident have pointed the finger at the estate gardener, Hector Rymen.

“I blame Rymen,” said an angry Mr Hinge. “Everyone knows what goes on up there. Only the other day I saw him pounding away with his Dutch Hoe. He’s been laying pipe all over the hillside. He opens up gashes willy nilly with no thought of the consequences.”

"I certainly wouldn't let him near my bedding," added local spinster Cristine Punt. "He has a keen interest in new projects and young buds, but I'm not convinced he's committed to more mature spots like mine."

Mr Rymen has strenuously denied he is responsible for the disaster. “Hinge has had it in for me since he discovered me in his wife’s secret garden. Can I help it if Mary likes the way I trim her bush? As for the pipe laying – I don’t deny that. It’s essential maintenance to the water supply that feeds the gardens. Lots of the ladies call me up to take care of this sort of thing. Their husbands just don’t have the right tools for the job.”

“I admit he’s been very active,” agreed neighbour Lucy Jabia, “but he always finishes what he starts. Only the other week I had him on my lawn to look at the damp patches at the bottom. He immediately fingered the problem. What I hadn’t realised is that, behind my hedge, there was a large gully that would gush uncontrollably from time to time. He said that a good pump would sort me out, and he came back and gave me one the following day. It was a gigantic screw. I must admit I was quite surprised.”

“Clearly it’s Hector Rymen!” said an angry Enis Penvy. “I simply don’t believe you can have such a massive screw without irrevocably damaging the gully.”

However, when quizzed about its destructive nature, Mr Rymen maintained that appearances could be deceptive. “It’s a common mistake for the layman to make. They just don’t understand the principle behind pumping. Really it’s perfectly safe – people have been doing it like this since Archimedes. It’s just not the type of screw they’re used to dealing with. At the end of the day, it’s just a progressive cavity pump. I prefer it because it means I can pump at extremely low rates, even under high pressure, and it always ends up producing the required head."

As the clean up continues, Gavin Haysecks, leader of the residents association, has promised to resolve the matter as soon possible. “Rest assured that I’ve been meaning to look into this whole uphill gardening thing for some time, and I won’t rest until I’ve got to the bottom of it.”

Friday, February 23, 2007

Tony Poucher is feeling a little hoarse

"It’s all the shouting I was doing at yesterday’s fundraiser," revealed Tony Poucher, manager at the Equine Home of Rest. Tucked away in the secluded hamlet of Stross Gables, the home has been a sanctuary for abused, mistreated and unloved horses, ponies and donkeys for over 20 years.

The 35 current residents receive hands-on attention from volunteer helpers who gladly spend most of their spare time giving the animals the love they’ve hitherto missed out on. “They definitely respond to all the stroking and touching,” said Deborah Zickmüncher, a regular helper at the home. “Trojan is my favourite. He’s massive, the biggest here. Each morning when me and the other girls turn up, he is desperate to get his oats.”

“All the team here bend over backwards for these beasts,” acknowledged Tony. “Helping out is often about blood, sweat and tears. It takes a special kind of person to do what we do. Flexibility is critical, as some days we’re here at the home, other days we take a couple of the animals to farm shows to raise funds.”

Despite these regular events and welcome donations received from visitors, the future at the Equine Home of Rest is not certain. Jules Misdrinker, willing helper and keen horsewoman, had in the past offered up her sizeable box to residents of the home, but changes in insurance and HSE legislation now make this impossible. “Without transport, we can’t get the horses to the public, which has a big impact on our funding,” explained Jules. “I used to easily accommodate a couple of young colts in my box. The other girls and I always prefer to take a big one if possible, although I’ve never managed more than 18 hands.”

But all is not lost. Victor Loleshole, a Pranker’s Wycke wildlife conservationist, has promised the home some local authority funding. So it looks like they will be getting that much needed transportation after all.

“Do come and visit us, it’s a great family day out. With your entry fees and donations we can continue to provide a safe haven for these dear creatures, a place where they can live out their days in peace,” said Tony disappearing into the cold February night to cover his mares.

Thursday, February 15, 2007

Tackle's out up Raphole Creek

The quiet waterways of Pranker’s Wycke seem an unlikely location for invasion. Yet, beneath our still waters, an interloper is lurking. The enemy is the armoured suckermouth catfish, an invasive North American species that has spread rapidly since first recorded in Raphole Creek less than a year ago.

“It’s extremely worrying,” said Ms Trish E Fench, president of the Wycke Angler’s Association. “The local fauna simply can’t compete with its voracious appetite and ability to stay on the bed no matter the force of the discharge. If we can’t control it, our traditional spawning grounds at Runkon Spring will be decimated.”

The unfamiliar habits of this new breed have so far thwarted the efforts of resident anglers.

“The main problem is the suckermouth seems to show no interest in our flies,” explained club secretary Grant Pope, who this time last year was happily organising his tackle for the coming season. “We’ve tried everything. Even Trish, who really knows how to dress the hook, hasn’t had any luck so far.”

“Despite the cold, some of our hardier male members have been out morning, noon and night, but without so much as a nibble,” added Ms Fench. “I went to join them yesterday after work, and the sight of them all standing hopefully with their rods in hand filled me with a strange mixture of pride and despair.”

However, all is not yet lost, and Trish is hopeful that if we, the residents of Pranker’s Wycke, pull together, we can be free of the suckermouth once more.

“It came to me in a flash last evening. Grant was fumbling around in my box for inspiration after another fruitless session up the Creek. Suddenly I realised - it wasn’t so much the bait as the technique that was lacking. Catching North American fish requires North American methods. Fortunately I remembered a recent visit to my old friend Vicky Stibrator in Kentucky. She had lost interest in rods some time ago, but achieved great success and satisfaction by skilful use of the hand. She quickly established herself as the local ‘dogging’ expert, as Kentuckians call the widespread practice of catching catfish using only one’s bare hands. (I understand it is called noodling or tickling elsewhere). Well, Grant was off like a flash after I told him, and had immediate success where Wyedmi Rife runs up the back of the overflow car park. I think this may be the taste of things to come.”

In order for dogging to really be successful, we need as many people as possible to get out into the fresh air and have a go. A sign-up sheet is in the townhall so do please get involved and let us know if you have any success catching a suckermouth.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Double-click your mouse with Digital Stimulation

Hey there web fans! As promised, our cafe is now open offering you a variety of freshly brewed coffees made from the highest quality beans. Choose from our delicious range of sandwiches, salads and pastries. You can meet with friends, grab a byte (nerd alert), or simply drop in to access the Internet from your laptop using our free wifi service. If you require a little privacy, you can help yourself to one of our Internet terminals. All five self contained booths are cleaned after each customer; there is nothing more annoying than somebody else's mess all over the place when you want to chuck your own stuff down. Mickey Stouse, our tech support, is always available to lend you a hand if you get stuck. We hope to see you soon!

Top tip: When you’re using public terminals to access the Internet, at the end of your session, however tired you may be, remember to sign out of any websites you’ve logged into. This prevents any trace of your activity falling into the wrong hands.

Bertie Spellend ;-)

Sunday, February 11, 2007

They promised us it was over; Frank Winnetically is ringing again

The Pranker's Wycke Ringers met yesterday evening for our first practice session of the year. We are extremely grateful to Sister Foundly who gave us Frock Cottage for the night. It was especially pleasing to have a couple of campanological 'virgins' amongst the old hands, and I know the excitement on their faces brought memories of my first pick-up flooding back. We were also delighted to welcome back Frank Winnetically after his time away from us. I know I speak for all the ringers when I say that without his energetic and skillful direction, we found co-ordinating anything more than a two-in-hand quite impossible: Frank you certainly left a hole that no other man could fill.

After the introductions and a gentle warm-up, we got straight down to business. Frank's pick-up was as polished as ever, and his ring had lost none of the warmth that won him such acclaim in last year's exhibition at Mitzmaid Cloister. At first the new-comers were rather shy and tentative, poor technique quickly tiring their wrists. However, after a short break for tea, we were all back at it. Frank explained how, for a "normal" ring it is important to move the bell about six inches out and away from the body (in a motion parallel with the floor), keeping the bell slightly tilted so the clapper rests against the back side of the casting. An abrupt stop should follow, and the inertia of the clapper does the rest.

We then spent a delightful hour "getting to know each other", with some simple change ringing. This gave our novices the chance to adjust their backstroke and hand-strokes to our tempo. The always eager Job Nockey gave us the highlight of the evening when a combination of sweaty palms on wood and a particularly vigorous hand-stroke resulted in him losing his grip altogether. His instrument sailed over our heads and landed, bell-end first, on the supper tray that was at that very moment being brought into the parlour by Paul's wife, Peggy Smeenis. Peggy had brought along one of her home made cheeses which she'd been carefully ripening for the occasion, and this took the brunt of the impact, spraying her face with sticky globules. There wasn't a dry eye in the house as Job, purple-headed with embarrassment, tugged the bell free and attempted to scrape as much cheese from around his rim as possible.

After that, all we were fit for was to round off the evening with a gentle travelling two-in-hand. We are already looking forward to our next session when Frank has promised to teach us his famous knuckle grip.

If anyone is interested in joining the Pranker's Wycke Ringers, please contact Donna Tugick.

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Letters #1

Stand up, lest we be inconvenienced

Dear Residents

Firstly I must thank all of you who got behind my Brown Trout campaign. I regularly pinch a loaf from the bread bin and nip down to feed the fish! Last year’s significant release has really made Raphole Creek, the regeneration project and the crack-down on dumping, a local success story.

It is with positive expectations then that I ask you to join with me in a new movement, to prevent the closure of the public convenience in Hertinmer Square. Last week, the council stated that as part of plans to lay bigger cable, the public lavatory will need to be removed, with no provision to replace it.

When I need to drop the kids off in town or I’m doing a Brownie run, I find it reassuring to know there’s a place to go if I get caught short. Which facilities would office workers use in the event of an emergency evacuation? Where would customers of the Sleeping Wit spend a penny on the way home?

If we let this happen, what will close next? The post office or maybe the bank? Where then would we go to send a large brown package or make a liquid deposit?

We, the residents of Pranker’s Wycke, must not allow our concerns on the matter to be pooh-poohed. We must strain, such that our voices be heard. We should ready ourselves in case the council chooses to play dirty.

If you want to contribute to the “We won’t lose the loo!” campaign, please do get in touch.

Sheila Fitt-Cumming