Out of the frying pan and into a police cell.

"I adore them. It's Mardi Gras. It felt right to make a Shrove line. What more can I say?" said Frank Winnetically from his custody cell this morning. Serial offender Winnetically was this time arrested for a public indecency offence, after residents in Hertinmer Square reported a man simulating sex with a row of pancakes.

"Our Scenes of Crime Officers found a number of lemon seeds which, once followed up, will give us a DNA profile," said a police spokesperson. "Frank Winnetically remains our no.1 suspect. This is a serious crime. He is delusional if he thinks this will be treated as just a pancake binge matter."

The week in review #4

The week began with a sneak preview of Clive Drungehard's column, in which he recounts a foray into a muddy gully with a filthy lady, who then became a life long companion. For the full excerpt, click here.

On Friday evening, we were invited to partake in Spike Lunkalot's celebrated Jeans Quiz. The event was a huge success, with over £3,000 raised for charity. "I've never seen the Sleeping Wit rammed so full with denim clad know-it-alls!" said landlord Tim Quickler. Special thanks to Gavin Haysecks for donating his home brew; a vegetarian quorn beer.

Then came the very welcome news that James A. Cluster is to investigate the collapse of Strong Locked Cover, after many policyholders claimed to have been massively shafted. Chief executive Nick Thob was unavailable for comment. "How they've been treated remains a huge boner [sic] contention for many residents," said Cluster.

'Mick for Dummies' has proved very popular according to Mickey Stouse. The course is aimed at helping young single mothers develop basic IT skills. "Many of these girls haven't been properly stretched since their children were born," says Bertie Spellend, owner of course sponsors Digital Stimulation. "Mickey and I plan to change all that."

On Monday we mourned the loss of Nial Taylor. A popular young man, Taylor died on-the-job, falling from a roof last week. His time with us was described by Father Ruckable as 'rife with laughters'. Partial to the odd late night, Jilly Chisholm fondly remembered finding him snoring in her thatch one icy morning. 

In sporting news, the PWRFC inquiry, led by Bill Le Speans, asked Brian Laggart about Gavin Haysecks' forced expulsion in Dec 2006. Tight lipped as always, Laggart stated the issue was one of performance not meeting expectations, an allegation that has dogged Haysecks throughout his roller coaster career. Haysecks had been widely tipped to fill the England Captain's slot this week, but Bryan Toner quashed these rumours late on Wednesday, "It's not the right position for him."

Now, with the green shoots of spring beginning to poke though the cold, here's a timely reminder to 'Protect young buds' from Hector Rymen & Vicar Dirgin. A pamphlet for anyone who hoes and gardens at the first glimpse of an untouched rose. Pick one up at any retail outlet in Pranker's Wycke.

Nadia Hutsfeel and Tatum O'Scroble offered to help the men of Pranker's Wycke give our inhibitions a good shake-off this week. The Testicular Cancer Roadshow proved a strong draw. Even Duncan Spash managed to put himself in the hands of Miss Hutsfeel before shooting off.

The fire service got a welcome boost this week with the appointment of rookie Vernon Banish. "We need all the help we can get with this recent spate of arson attacks," commented Chief Broditch.

And lastly, a touching story of pet grooming and taxidermy. "If it's not Steven Bruffit, it's not taxidermy," said Peaches Blossom, ex-wife of deceased animal stuffer Mat Bounter & owner of Blow & Go Pets. Praise indeed for Bruffit's new venture which opens for business later this month.