Find my Grace!

The PWBC today announced plans for a new show to find a bride for legendary gourmet and seasoned bachelor, Pat Fonce. "Find my Grace!" a reality TV series, set to air in the summer of 2010, will be fronted by Willow Swallyjuice, our newest arrival in Pranker's Wycke. "I've always been a bit of a matchmaker, or 'Grace Finder' I suppose I should say!" she said at the press conference earlier today when asked about her role.

To be in with a chance of winning the coveted title Mrs Pat Fonce, young hopefuls will initially apply on-line. A review panel, made up of Fonce and Judge Fouster, will narrow down the entries to12 potential brides-to-be who will go on to feature in the TV series, the winner of which will be announced on July 11th.

"If they can survive what we're planning on putting them through, being married to me will be a walk in the park," said Fonce uncomfortably when asked about his involvement in the show. "There's been some suggestion that my nuptials are for tax purposes only. There is no truth in this whatsoever," he continued. As he was leaving the press conference Fonce was asked what tip he had for budding applicants. "I like them mannish," he replied climbing into his car.

Pat Fonce Eats Out

This month: Pat eats out at The Duke of Porchester

My dear gastronauts, welcome to cyberspace! As you will already know, this is the new home of my modest column. Before I start, I have some rather unfortunate news concerning the mariner’s restaurant, The Thirty Dinghies, which I reviewed last month. Sadly, it has since been forced into closure due to a sudden and unexplained downturn in custom. How ironic for this to coincide almost exactly with the publication of my piece! This is a particular blow for The Dinghies as it has been trading so successfully for many years.

And so to the current humble offering. This month I have had the pleasure of being accompanied by Julia (the daughter of my very good friend, Mrs T) and her dashing young beau, Simon Ida. The night was set to be one to remember as Julia was celebrating her appointment to the position of General Manager at the Jilly Chisholm Seminal Depository, a job of which she has been dreaming for most of her life. Well done Julia Trisbottler!

My two young companions and I met at seven at The Duke of Porchester, a delightful eighteenth century public house serving an eclectic 'melange from around the south coast'. The menu also boasts some guest dishes from the Far East.

After several rounds of apéritifs we were shown to our table by a nice young waiter and, as Simon and I sat down with the wine list, Julia trotted off to powder her nose. The lavatories must have been close to the kitchen because, upon Julia's return, the faint aroma of NAM PLA could be discerned peeking through the notes of her rather inelegant perfume.

Quite unexpectedly, Julia announced that she had an early start the next day and must leave immediately for home. Thinking I might now be able to get to know Simon better, I asked whether he would like to come over to my bachelor digs for a nightcap. We could convert the meal to a take away and perhaps I would be getting my lips around his THAI NEE PRIK whilst he could sample the delights of my GAI PAD.

It was not to be and, as Simon mumbled something about being drunk, I rather embarrassed myself by offering to nestle his sore head in my lap. Easily sidestepping my lunge, he made off apace toward the retreating figure of his cheap tart.

Thanking the waiter, I made my apologies and went home alone to peruse some DVDs I had received that very morning by mail order.

The Duke of Porchester scores 1 out of 5