Letters #2

An unexpected coupling

Dear Residents

Just a quick note to thank all those who attended our ballroom dancing display on Thursday evening, nearly all the proceeds from which will go towards Sheila Fitt-Cumming’s ongoing Brown Trout effort. I am obligated to mention Kyle Vunt and the other lawyers who, for a fee, gave us Mefed Chambers when we realised rather late in the day that the Pranker’s Wycke Ringers were using the church hall.

I must also thank our very special guests, national Latin champion Blake U. Mead from High Drumping with his enormously talented troupe, who gave us a spirited display. Perfectly choreographed, delightfully seductive and dripping in physicality, one could almost smell and taste the passion. At the heart of the action was Blake’s partner Rose Pudely, who met embrace after embrace with unrelenting enthusiasm, before the final coming together and spectacular finish. It was, quite simply, breathtaking. 

I would also like to thank our very own impromptu coupling; Vicar Dirgin and Jaymie Lingerly. Having watched the professionals, Vicar Dirgin was overcome by an urge to get ‘stuck in’ as he told me afterwards. Equally aroused by our visiting virtuosos, Jaymie followed Vicar Dirgin’s lead and took to the floor. Spurred on by an excited audience, our brave couple launched themselves into a passionate duel. Nervous initially, her facial expressions almost pained, Jaymie was at times caught off balance by Vicar Dirgin’s cocksure embraces. She loosened up however as the movements quickened and tightened. Old hand Vicar Dirgin remained stiff throughout but did not disappoint with his legendary ganchos, whilst his ingénue thrilled us with her verdant cunitas. What an unexpected treat!

We look forward to seeing you at this year’s pantomime. If you need transport or would like to help out please do let me know ASAP.

Joan Mentley

Shocking Floods at Cheeding Bluff

The residents of the exclusive Cheeding Bluff Private Estate woke this morning to a sight of unprecedented destruction. Following several days of heavy rain, a section of the landscaped slopes collapsed, sending a large portion of the ornamental hanging gardens crashing down onto several houses.

“It was terrifying,” sobbed Sheila Fitt-Cumming. “I felt an ominous rumbling at about five AM and, before I could do anything, the bed was engulfed by a wave of brown slurry. The pressure blew out the windows and I was squirted out onto the veranda.”

In the midst of the devastation, some angry resident have pointed the finger at the estate gardener, Hector Rymen.

“I blame Rymen,” said an angry Mr Hinge. “Everyone knows what goes on up there. Only the other day I saw him pounding away with his Dutch Hoe. He’s been laying pipe all over the hillside. He opens up gashes willy nilly with no thought of the consequences.”

"I certainly wouldn't let him near my bedding," added local spinster Cristine Punt. "He has a keen interest in new projects and young buds, but I'm not convinced he's committed to more mature spots like mine."

Mr Rymen has strenuously denied he is responsible for the disaster. “Hinge has had it in for me since he discovered me in his wife’s secret garden. Can I help it if Mary likes the way I trim her bush? As for the pipe laying – I don’t deny that. It’s essential maintenance to the water supply that feeds the gardens. Lots of the ladies call me up to take care of this sort of thing. Their husbands just don’t have the right tools for the job.”

“I admit he’s been very active,” agreed neighbour Lucy Jabia, “but he always finishes what he starts. Only the other week I had him on my lawn to look at the damp patches at the bottom. He immediately fingered the problem. What I hadn’t realised is that, behind my hedge, there was a large gully that would gush uncontrollably from time to time. He said that a good pump would sort me out, and he came back and gave me one the following day. It was a gigantic screw. I must admit I was quite surprised.”

“Clearly it’s Hector Rymen!” said an angry Enis Penvy. “I simply don’t believe you can have such a massive screw without irrevocably damaging the gully.”

However, when quizzed about its destructive nature, Mr Rymen maintained that appearances could be deceptive. “It’s a common mistake for the layman to make. They just don’t understand the principle behind pumping. Really it’s perfectly safe – people have been doing it like this since Archimedes. It’s just not the type of screw they’re used to dealing with. At the end of the day, it’s just a progressive cavity pump. I prefer it because it means I can pump at extremely low rates, even under high pressure, and it always ends up producing the required head."

As the clean up continues, Gavin Haysecks, leader of the residents association, has promised to resolve the matter as soon possible. “Rest assured that I’ve been meaning to look into this whole uphill gardening thing for some time, and I won’t rest until I’ve got to the bottom of it.”

Letters #1

Stand up, lest we be inconvenienced

Dear Residents

Firstly I must thank all of you who got behind my Brown Trout campaign. I regularly pinch a loaf from the bread bin and nip down to feed the fish! Last year’s significant release has really made Raphole Creek, the regeneration project and the crack-down on dumping, a local success story.

It is with positive expectations then that I ask you to join with me in a new movement, to prevent the closure of the public convenience in Hertinmer Square. Last week, the council stated that as part of plans to lay bigger cable, the public lavatory will need to be removed, with no provision to replace it.

When I need to drop the kids off in town or I’m doing a Brownie run, I find it reassuring to know there’s a place to go if I get caught short. Which facilities would office workers use in the event of an emergency evacuation? Where would customers of the Sleeping Wit spend a penny on the way home?

If we let this happen, what will close next? The post office or maybe the bank? Where then would we go to send a large brown package or make a liquid deposit?

We, the residents of Pranker’s Wycke, must not allow our concerns on the matter to be pooh-poohed. We must strain, such that our voices be heard. We should ready ourselves in case the council chooses to play dirty.

If you want to contribute to the “We won’t lose the loo!” campaign, please do get in touch.

Sheila Fitt-Cumming