Letters #2

An unexpected coupling

Dear Residents

Just a quick note to thank all those who attended our ballroom dancing display on Thursday evening, nearly all the proceeds from which will go towards Sheila Fitt-Cumming’s ongoing Brown Trout effort. I am obligated to mention Kyle Vunt and the other lawyers who, for a fee, gave us Mefed Chambers when we realised rather late in the day that the Pranker’s Wycke Ringers were using the church hall.

I must also thank our very special guests, national Latin champion Blake U. Mead from High Drumping with his enormously talented troupe, who gave us a spirited display. Perfectly choreographed, delightfully seductive and dripping in physicality, one could almost smell and taste the passion. At the heart of the action was Blake’s partner Rose Pudely, who met embrace after embrace with unrelenting enthusiasm, before the final coming together and spectacular finish. It was, quite simply, breathtaking. 

I would also like to thank our very own impromptu coupling; Vicar Dirgin and Jaymie Lingerly. Having watched the professionals, Vicar Dirgin was overcome by an urge to get ‘stuck in’ as he told me afterwards. Equally aroused by our visiting virtuosos, Jaymie followed Vicar Dirgin’s lead and took to the floor. Spurred on by an excited audience, our brave couple launched themselves into a passionate duel. Nervous initially, her facial expressions almost pained, Jaymie was at times caught off balance by Vicar Dirgin’s cocksure embraces. She loosened up however as the movements quickened and tightened. Old hand Vicar Dirgin remained stiff throughout but did not disappoint with his legendary ganchos, whilst his ingénue thrilled us with her verdant cunitas. What an unexpected treat!

We look forward to seeing you at this year’s pantomime. If you need transport or would like to help out please do let me know ASAP.

Joan Mentley

Notices #3

Deaths

Victor Lagina, aged 57, passed away at home on Friday 30th November 2007, having spent the evening with friends at the Sleeping Wit. Tongue and groove master craftsman, keen woodsman and cunning linguist, Victor made a significant contribution to village life in Pranker's Wycke since arriving from Palermo in 1967. Dearly loved by many, he will be much missed by Joan Mentley, with whom he shared a deeply rooted friendship for over 30 years. Father Ruckable will lead a memorial service to be held at 1.30pm on Tuesday 11th December at Mitzmaid Cloister.

Tony Poucher is feeling a little hoarse

"It’s all the shouting I was doing at yesterday’s fundraiser," revealed Tony Poucher, manager at the Equine Home of Rest. Tucked away in the secluded hamlet of Stross Gables, the home has been a sanctuary for abused, mistreated and unloved horses, ponies and donkeys for over 20 years.

The 35 current residents receive hands-on attention from volunteer helpers who gladly spend most of their spare time giving the animals the love they’ve hitherto missed out on. “They definitely respond to all the stroking and touching,” said Deborah Zickmüncher, a regular helper at the home. “Trojan is my favourite. He’s massive, the biggest here. Each morning when me and the other girls turn up, he is desperate to get his oats.”

“All the team here bend over backwards for these beasts,” acknowledged Tony. “Helping out is often about blood, sweat and tears. It takes a special kind of person to do what we do. Flexibility is critical, as some days we’re here at the home, other days we take a couple of the animals to farm shows to raise funds.”

Despite these regular events and welcome donations received from visitors, the future at the Equine Home of Rest is not certain. Jules Misdrinker, willing helper and keen horsewoman, had in the past offered up her sizeable box to residents of the home, but changes in insurance and HSE legislation now make this impossible. “Without transport, we can’t get the horses to the public, which has a big impact on our funding,” explained Jules. “I used to easily accommodate a couple of young colts in my box. The other girls and I always prefer to take a big one if possible, although I’ve never managed more than 18 hands.”

But all is not lost. Victor Loleshole, a Pranker’s Wycke wildlife conservationist, has promised the home some local authority funding. So it looks like they will be getting that much needed transportation after all.

“Do come and visit us, it’s a great family day out. With your entry fees and donations we can continue to provide a safe haven for these dear creatures, a place where they can live out their days in peace,” said Tony disappearing into the cold February night to cover his mares.

Tackle's out up Raphole Creek

The quiet waterways of Pranker’s Wycke seem an unlikely location for invasion. Yet, beneath our still waters, an interloper is lurking. The enemy is the armoured suckermouth catfish, an invasive North American species that has spread rapidly since first recorded in Raphole Creek less than a year ago.

“It’s extremely worrying,” said Ms Trish E Fench, president of the Wycke Angler’s Association. “The local fauna simply can’t compete with its voracious appetite and ability to stay on the bed no matter the force of the discharge. If we can’t control it, our traditional spawning grounds at Runkon Spring will be decimated.”

The unfamiliar habits of this new breed have so far thwarted the efforts of resident anglers.

“The main problem is the suckermouth seems to show no interest in our flies,” explained club secretary Grant Pope, who this time last year was happily organising his tackle for the coming season. “We’ve tried everything. Even Trish, who really knows how to dress the hook, hasn’t had any luck so far.”

“Despite the cold, some of our hardier male members have been out morning, noon and night, but without so much as a nibble,” added Ms Fench. “I went to join them yesterday after work, and the sight of them all standing hopefully with their rods in hand filled me with a strange mixture of pride and despair.”

However, all is not yet lost, and Trish is hopeful that if we, the residents of Pranker’s Wycke, pull together, we can be free of the suckermouth once more.

“It came to me in a flash last evening. Grant was fumbling around in my box for inspiration after another fruitless session up the Creek. Suddenly I realised - it wasn’t so much the bait as the technique that was lacking. Catching North American fish requires North American methods. Fortunately I remembered a recent visit to my old friend Vicky Stibrator in Kentucky. She had lost interest in rods some time ago, but achieved great success and satisfaction by skilful use of the hand. She quickly established herself as the local ‘dogging’ expert, as Kentuckians call the widespread practice of catching catfish using only one’s bare hands. (I understand it is called noodling or tickling elsewhere). Well, Grant was off like a flash after I told him, and had immediate success where Wyedmi Rife runs up the back of the overflow car park. I think this may be the taste of things to come.”

In order for dogging to really be successful, we need as many people as possible to get out into the fresh air and have a go. A sign-up sheet is in the townhall so do please get involved and let us know if you have any success catching a suckermouth.

They promised us it was over; Frank Winnetically is ringing again

The Pranker's Wycke Ringers met yesterday evening for our first practice session of the year. We are extremely grateful to Sister Foundly who gave us Frock Cottage for the night. It was especially pleasing to have a couple of campanological 'virgins' amongst the old hands, and I know the excitement on their faces brought memories of my first pick-up flooding back. We were also delighted to welcome back Frank Winnetically after his time away from us. I know I speak for all the ringers when I say that without his energetic and skillful direction, we found co-ordinating anything more than a two-in-hand quite impossible: Frank you certainly left a hole that no other man could fill.

After the introductions and a gentle warm-up, we got straight down to business. Frank's pick-up was as polished as ever, and his ring had lost none of the warmth that won him such acclaim in last year's exhibition at Mitzmaid Cloister. At first the new-comers were rather shy and tentative, poor technique quickly tiring their wrists. However, after a short break for tea, we were all back at it. Frank explained how, for a "normal" ring it is important to move the bell about six inches out and away from the body (in a motion parallel with the floor), keeping the bell slightly tilted so the clapper rests against the back side of the casting. An abrupt stop should follow, and the inertia of the clapper does the rest.

We then spent a delightful hour "getting to know each other", with some simple change ringing. This gave our novices the chance to adjust their backstroke and hand-strokes to our tempo. The always eager Job Nockey gave us the highlight of the evening when a combination of sweaty palms on wood and a particularly vigorous hand-stroke resulted in him losing his grip altogether. His instrument sailed over our heads and landed, bell-end first, on the supper tray that was at that very moment being brought into the parlour by Paul's wife, Peggy Smeenis. Peggy had brought along one of her home made cheeses which she'd been carefully ripening for the occasion, and this took the brunt of the impact, spraying her face with sticky globules. There wasn't a dry eye in the house as Job, purple-headed with embarrassment, tugged the bell free and attempted to scrape as much cheese from around his rim as possible.

After that, all we were fit for was to round off the evening with a gentle travelling two-in-hand. We are already looking forward to our next session when Frank has promised to teach us his famous knuckle grip.

If anyone is interested in joining the Pranker's Wycke Ringers, please contact Donna Tugick.

Letters #1

Stand up, lest we be inconvenienced

Dear Residents

Firstly I must thank all of you who got behind my Brown Trout campaign. I regularly pinch a loaf from the bread bin and nip down to feed the fish! Last year’s significant release has really made Raphole Creek, the regeneration project and the crack-down on dumping, a local success story.

It is with positive expectations then that I ask you to join with me in a new movement, to prevent the closure of the public convenience in Hertinmer Square. Last week, the council stated that as part of plans to lay bigger cable, the public lavatory will need to be removed, with no provision to replace it.

When I need to drop the kids off in town or I’m doing a Brownie run, I find it reassuring to know there’s a place to go if I get caught short. Which facilities would office workers use in the event of an emergency evacuation? Where would customers of the Sleeping Wit spend a penny on the way home?

If we let this happen, what will close next? The post office or maybe the bank? Where then would we go to send a large brown package or make a liquid deposit?

We, the residents of Pranker’s Wycke, must not allow our concerns on the matter to be pooh-poohed. We must strain, such that our voices be heard. We should ready ourselves in case the council chooses to play dirty.

If you want to contribute to the “We won’t lose the loo!” campaign, please do get in touch.

Sheila Fitt-Cumming

Gavin Haysecks turns the other cheek

Gavin Haysecks's reign as Pranker's Wycke RFC player-coach is over, after a series of embarrassing whippings. Haysecks was most recently caught with his trousers down by a rampant first XV from Fole Hilling. The 44 year old bachelor, whose legendary tight grip on the younger players seemed to have wavered in recent months, has lost 8 of his last 10 games in charge.

In a statement, Haysecks chose not to respond to his critics, whom he claimed had backed him into a corner. Instead, the reluctant fall guy chose to praise his players, whom he insisted had always stood firmly behind him.

“Anyone who has recently spent time under Gavin must have been torn apart by his sudden withdrawal,” said popular team mouthpiece and scrum half, Vince Misibly. “He will be sorely missed.”

Haysecks’s successor will announced by Pranker’s Wycke RFC in early 2007.

Places to visit: The Sleeping Wit

Tucked away down Honey Mole Alley, you’ll find the Sleeping Wit, the oldest pub in Pranker’s Wycke. Seemingly always open, you are certain to find a companion at this local haven for folk wanting to slip away from their busy lives for a while. Having heaved open the imposing outer doors, and swept the tattered inner curtains aside, an instantly familiar smell begins to soothe your troubles away. The atmosphere is warm, cosy and dark. The Sleeping Wit oozes a deep sense of satisfaction and restfulness, whether you’re after a drink, something warm and hearty inside you, or maybe a bed for the night.

The Landlord, Tim Quickler, is just what you’d expect. A cheery face and keen to offer a helping hand, he’ll ensure a local tincture is waiting to wet your lips. Both Tim and Nikki, his barmaid, see themselves as just the current custodians of the Sleeping Wit, an almost living entity that has been an unassuming yet vital part of village life in Pranker’s Wycke for generations. They look forward to helping you take a load off.

Tim Quickler
Landlord
The Sleeping Wit
7 Honey Mole Alley
Pranker’s Wycke

Bertie Spellend from Digital Stimulation

We're back cyber fans! This summer we took advantage of 3 months enforced closure to give Digital Stimulation a much needed upgrade. I can't talk about the incident, involving Frank Winnetically, that led to the police investigation and our subsequent period 'offline' ggrrr....... Just remember that not everyone using the internet does so for entirely aboveboard reasons. On to more positive things. Our internet cafe will be opening shortly, providing free wireless access to residents of Pranker's Wycke. Hope to see you in store soon!

Bertie Spellend

Jobs

The Jilly Chisholm Seminal Depository in Pranker's Wycke is looking for a General Manager.

To be the successful candidate in this challenging environment you will have a wide range of skills. An achiever yourself, you will find our labs brimming with the crème de la crème.

Importantly in our trust-based service, you must be open to client input and not tight-lipped in a customer-facing scenario. Our many busy periods mean you must be willing to lend a hand, and will be responsive and sensitive in such a hands-on situation.

Whilst not overly ambitious, you are eager to suc-
ceed. Perhaps most importantly in this intimate work-place you will enjoy being on the job and will communicate this positivity to others, letting them see the relish on your face.

Please apply to:

Wilma Spank
Sample Management
The Jilly Chisholm Seminal Depository
11-15 Hertinmer Square
Pranker's Wycke

Notices

Deaths
Regretfully we announce the untimely passing of Mat Bounter aged 52, who died peacefully after a short illness – rabies. Matthew, a taxidermist by trade, was a well-known character around Pranker’s Wycke and, despite his preservation methods not always being accepted amongst the wider profession, was never without work. He could always be found tool in hand in the back of his shop, bent double stuffing an old dog or mounting a pipistrelle.
Mr Bounter will not be sadly missed by his mother and two ferrets.

Gavin Haysecks Hurts Inside

Fole Hilling 32-7 Pranker’s Wycke

Pranker’s Wycke RFC player-coach, Gavin Haysecks, was close to tears yesterday as his inexperienced side suffered a thrashing at the hands of an impressive team from Fole Hilling.

"The shower room was a disgusting place to be," said Haysecks after the match. "We didn't just lose, we were beaten, and that really hurts."

The troubled coach praised Duncan Spash, his lightening fast winger, who opened the scoring by beating three players off before forcing his way in. For the majority of the opening 15 minutes however, Pranker’s Wycke looked far from convincing as the errors began to pile up.

Fole Hilling's ferocious pack soon surged over to bring the scores level, and then the humiliation began. "We just opened up our backs to a relentless onslaught," conceded Haysecks. "Their huge tackles just kept coming."

The start of the second half saw no let up for Haysecks's side, now trailing by 22-7 as the visitors continued to dominate proceedings. Within minutes, a combination of quick hands and a lovely toss ended in a spurt over the line for the Fole Hilling captain.

The Pranker's Wycke faithful who were waiting for a second coming were to be disappointed. "We gave them the opportunity and they finished us off once and for all," admitted the burly player-coach.

Broken and exhausted, the home team continued to make unforced errors, ultimately allowing Fole Hilling to slot one in just before the final whistle. “I have got to admit that was a poor performance, we will now have our routine debrief in the changing room, where I will get to the bottom of this," gasped a breathless Haysecks leaving the field. "We are a team; we all had our own parts in that performance."

"We will rise again, we need a victory, and we’ll pull one off together," replied Haysecks positively when asked where Pranker's Wycke RFC could go from here.

Sister Foundly's Inner Piece

Dear Parishioners,

For a few months I've been toying with the idea of running a weblog to offer spiritual guidance and comfort to my neighbours and fellow men and women of Pranker's Wycke. Goodness knows we need all the support we can get in this day and age where filth is the currency and degradation is seen as a virtue.

Why, only the other day after my new internet connection had been set up by Bertie Spellend, that nice young fellow who runs the computer shop on the high street, I began 'surfing' the 'net' as they say, and was confronted by the most shocking and abominable images I had ever seen.

The extremes of sexual depravity had to be seen to be believed, and I continued browsing them, trying to understand the despair that must have overtaken these attractive young men and women as they posed for the cameras in endlessly inventive and sinful configurations.

Feeling it my duty to plumb the depths of this dark corner of human experience, the better to understand these poor lost souls, I registered with a number of these pornographic image providers, entering my credit card details into the appropriate boxes on the online application forms.

Before long the obscene material was flooding onto my desktop, and I examined it for hours, forcing myself to feel what these misguided individuals must have felt as they performed such acts, one upon the other.

Spent and drained by the end of the evening, I shut down the browser at last. However the images continued to appear before my closed eyes, the naked bodies writhing in their own sweat; particularly some of the live performances that I had witnessed via a video feed. I had been able to initiate such carnal acts with a mere click of my finger on the mouse.

What sort of world do we live in, I asked myself again, where such devilry can be summoned with so little effort? I cleansed my computer, deleting the downloaded internet files and cookies, as Bertie had shown me earlier that same day, and prayed over it that the internet be delivered from evil.

I went to bed, wondering what new depths of shame I should encounter online the following day.

With blessings and glad tidings,

Sister Foundly