Letters #2

An unexpected coupling

Dear Residents

Just a quick note to thank all those who attended our ballroom dancing display on Thursday evening, nearly all the proceeds from which will go towards Sheila Fitt-Cumming’s ongoing Brown Trout effort. I am obligated to mention Kyle Vunt and the other lawyers who, for a fee, gave us Mefed Chambers when we realised rather late in the day that the Pranker’s Wycke Ringers were using the church hall.

I must also thank our very special guests, national Latin champion Blake U. Mead from High Drumping with his enormously talented troupe, who gave us a spirited display. Perfectly choreographed, delightfully seductive and dripping in physicality, one could almost smell and taste the passion. At the heart of the action was Blake’s partner Rose Pudely, who met embrace after embrace with unrelenting enthusiasm, before the final coming together and spectacular finish. It was, quite simply, breathtaking. 

I would also like to thank our very own impromptu coupling; Vicar Dirgin and Jaymie Lingerly. Having watched the professionals, Vicar Dirgin was overcome by an urge to get ‘stuck in’ as he told me afterwards. Equally aroused by our visiting virtuosos, Jaymie followed Vicar Dirgin’s lead and took to the floor. Spurred on by an excited audience, our brave couple launched themselves into a passionate duel. Nervous initially, her facial expressions almost pained, Jaymie was at times caught off balance by Vicar Dirgin’s cocksure embraces. She loosened up however as the movements quickened and tightened. Old hand Vicar Dirgin remained stiff throughout but did not disappoint with his legendary ganchos, whilst his ingénue thrilled us with her verdant cunitas. What an unexpected treat!

We look forward to seeing you at this year’s pantomime. If you need transport or would like to help out please do let me know ASAP.

Joan Mentley

Gavin Haysecks Hurts Inside

Fole Hilling 32-7 Pranker’s Wycke

Pranker’s Wycke RFC player-coach, Gavin Haysecks, was close to tears yesterday as his inexperienced side suffered a thrashing at the hands of an impressive team from Fole Hilling.

"The shower room was a disgusting place to be," said Haysecks after the match. "We didn't just lose, we were beaten, and that really hurts."

The troubled coach praised Duncan Spash, his lightening fast winger, who opened the scoring by beating three players off before forcing his way in. For the majority of the opening 15 minutes however, Pranker’s Wycke looked far from convincing as the errors began to pile up.

Fole Hilling's ferocious pack soon surged over to bring the scores level, and then the humiliation began. "We just opened up our backs to a relentless onslaught," conceded Haysecks. "Their huge tackles just kept coming."

The start of the second half saw no let up for Haysecks's side, now trailing by 22-7 as the visitors continued to dominate proceedings. Within minutes, a combination of quick hands and a lovely toss ended in a spurt over the line for the Fole Hilling captain.

The Pranker's Wycke faithful who were waiting for a second coming were to be disappointed. "We gave them the opportunity and they finished us off once and for all," admitted the burly player-coach.

Broken and exhausted, the home team continued to make unforced errors, ultimately allowing Fole Hilling to slot one in just before the final whistle. “I have got to admit that was a poor performance, we will now have our routine debrief in the changing room, where I will get to the bottom of this," gasped a breathless Haysecks leaving the field. "We are a team; we all had our own parts in that performance."

"We will rise again, we need a victory, and we’ll pull one off together," replied Haysecks positively when asked where Pranker's Wycke RFC could go from here.