Saturday, July 14, 2007

Shocking Floods at Cheeding Bluff

The residents of the exclusive Cheeding Bluff Private Estate woke this morning to a sight of unprecedented destruction. Following several days of heavy rain, a section of the landscaped slopes collapsed, sending a large portion of the ornamental hanging gardens crashing down onto several houses.

“It was terrifying,” sobbed Sheila Fitt-Cumming. “I felt an ominous rumbling at about five AM and, before I could do anything, the bed was engulfed by a wave of brown slurry. The pressure blew out the windows and I was squirted out onto the veranda.”

In the midst of the devastation, some angry resident have pointed the finger at the estate gardener, Hector Rymen.

“I blame Rymen,” said an angry Mr Hinge. “Everyone knows what goes on up there. Only the other day I saw him pounding away with his Dutch Hoe. He’s been laying pipe all over the hillside. He opens up gashes willy nilly with no thought of the consequences.”

"I certainly wouldn't let him near my bedding," added local spinster Cristine Punt. "He has a keen interest in new projects and young buds, but I'm not convinced he's committed to more mature spots like mine."

Mr Rymen has strenuously denied he is responsible for the disaster. “Hinge has had it in for me since he discovered me in his wife’s secret garden. Can I help it if Mary likes the way I trim her bush? As for the pipe laying – I don’t deny that. It’s essential maintenance to the water supply that feeds the gardens. Lots of the ladies call me up to take care of this sort of thing. Their husbands just don’t have the right tools for the job.”

“I admit he’s been very active,” agreed neighbour Lucy Jabia, “but he always finishes what he starts. Only the other week I had him on my lawn to look at the damp patches at the bottom. He immediately fingered the problem. What I hadn’t realised is that, behind my hedge, there was a large gully that would gush uncontrollably from time to time. He said that a good pump would sort me out, and he came back and gave me one the following day. It was a gigantic screw. I must admit I was quite surprised.”

“Clearly it’s Hector Rymen!” said an angry Enis Penvy. “I simply don’t believe you can have such a massive screw without irrevocably damaging the gully.”

However, when quizzed about its destructive nature, Mr Rymen maintained that appearances could be deceptive. “It’s a common mistake for the layman to make. They just don’t understand the principle behind pumping. Really it’s perfectly safe – people have been doing it like this since Archimedes. It’s just not the type of screw they’re used to dealing with. At the end of the day, it’s just a progressive cavity pump. I prefer it because it means I can pump at extremely low rates, even under high pressure, and it always ends up producing the required head."

As the clean up continues, Gavin Haysecks, leader of the residents association, has promised to resolve the matter as soon possible. “Rest assured that I’ve been meaning to look into this whole uphill gardening thing for some time, and I won’t rest until I’ve got to the bottom of it.”


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Anonymous said...

oh, shit, how do I get out of this blog?????

Anonymous said...

Now I know what that pratt J does with all his time.

Sheila Fitt-Cumming is quite funny though........