Heads up! It's the Candingstock lineup.

The Chili Wafers, a new three piece band, look set to rock the festival circuit this summer, kicking off with a headline performance at our very own Candingstock Weekend. Dirty Flirtbox guitarist Gustav Mashsoon joins Flywoods Magrant drummer and namesake Mick Flywood, and unknown vocalist Hugo Yumper, in what promises to be the musical coming together of the year.

"I've got a nose for these things," said Tiffany Snodger, rock cub journalist and self confessed Flywoods Magrant groupie. "With Mick beating out a rhythm on the skins, and Mashoon's fingers working overtime, we should be in for a real treat." The only remaining questions concern the apparently reluctant sex symbol Hugo Yumper. Well, all will be revealed come Saturday 7th August.

Tickets go on sale Monday 29th March at 9.00am.

Out of the frying pan and into a police cell.

"I adore them. It's Mardi Gras. It felt right to make a Shrove line. What more can I say?" said Frank Winnetically from his custody cell this morning. Serial offender Winnetically was this time arrested for a public indecency offence, after residents in Hertinmer Square reported a man simulating sex with a row of pancakes.

"Our Scenes of Crime Officers found a number of lemon seeds which, once followed up, will give us a DNA profile," said a police spokesperson. "Frank Winnetically remains our no.1 suspect. This is a serious crime. He is delusional if he thinks this will be treated as just a pancake binge matter."

The week in review #4

The week began with a sneak preview of Clive Drungehard's column, in which he recounts a foray into a muddy gully with a filthy lady, who then became a life long companion. For the full excerpt, click here.

On Friday evening, we were invited to partake in Spike Lunkalot's celebrated Jeans Quiz. The event was a huge success, with over £3,000 raised for charity. "I've never seen the Sleeping Wit rammed so full with denim clad know-it-alls!" said landlord Tim Quickler. Special thanks to Gavin Haysecks for donating his home brew; a vegetarian quorn beer.

Then came the very welcome news that James A. Cluster is to investigate the collapse of Strong Locked Cover, after many policyholders claimed to have been massively shafted. Chief executive Nick Thob was unavailable for comment. "How they've been treated remains a huge boner [sic] contention for many residents," said Cluster.

'Mick for Dummies' has proved very popular according to Mickey Stouse. The course is aimed at helping young single mothers develop basic IT skills. "Many of these girls haven't been properly stretched since their children were born," says Bertie Spellend, owner of course sponsors Digital Stimulation. "Mickey and I plan to change all that."

On Monday we mourned the loss of Nial Taylor. A popular young man, Taylor died on-the-job, falling from a roof last week. His time with us was described by Father Ruckable as 'rife with laughters'. Partial to the odd late night, Jilly Chisholm fondly remembered finding him snoring in her thatch one icy morning. 

In sporting news, the PWRFC inquiry, led by Bill Le Speans, asked Brian Laggart about Gavin Haysecks' forced expulsion in Dec 2006. Tight lipped as always, Laggart stated the issue was one of performance not meeting expectations, an allegation that has dogged Haysecks throughout his roller coaster career. Haysecks had been widely tipped to fill the England Captain's slot this week, but Bryan Toner quashed these rumours late on Wednesday, "It's not the right position for him."

Now, with the green shoots of spring beginning to poke though the cold, here's a timely reminder to 'Protect young buds' from Hector Rymen & Vicar Dirgin. A pamphlet for anyone who hoes and gardens at the first glimpse of an untouched rose. Pick one up at any retail outlet in Pranker's Wycke.

Nadia Hutsfeel and Tatum O'Scroble offered to help the men of Pranker's Wycke give our inhibitions a good shake-off this week. The Testicular Cancer Roadshow proved a strong draw. Even Duncan Spash managed to put himself in the hands of Miss Hutsfeel before shooting off.

The fire service got a welcome boost this week with the appointment of rookie Vernon Banish. "We need all the help we can get with this recent spate of arson attacks," commented Chief Broditch.

And lastly, a touching story of pet grooming and taxidermy. "If it's not Steven Bruffit, it's not taxidermy," said Peaches Blossom, ex-wife of deceased animal stuffer Mat Bounter & owner of Blow & Go Pets. Praise indeed for Bruffit's new venture which opens for business later this month.

Mick for Dummies

Mickey Stouse, from Digital Stimulation, is to run a series of classes, called 'Mick for Dummies', aimed at helping young single mothers develop the necessary skills and confidence to use computers and the internet.

"Bertie and me see it all the time. We know they feel trapped at home. They can't get out to do the shopping, or go to work or even see friends. Computers with webcams connected to the internet are a great way from them to meet people, to shop and even make a bit of money if they want to, all from the comfort of their bedrooms!" said Mickey, explaining the rational behind the course. "We want the girls to have confidence in using computers and the internet safely. It's all about these young mums having and sharing the ryte [sic] belief on the web."

For more information, give Mickey or Bertie a call or drop in to Digital Stimulation (assuming you can get out of the house).

Snatch a glimpse of Clive Drungehard's column in our sneak preview

Next month's Ruff Mag features columnist and off-road enthusiast, Clive Drungehard, talking candidly about his enduring love affair with a now elderly lady. With permission, we print an excerpt to whet your appetite. 

Our first encounter was on a Friday evening in 1973, down a back street of Bolden-cum-Hack. I paid a man £100 for her. She was battered, scratched, and leaking a bit,  but she was beautiful. My very own Landy [sic] Rover. I took her home, washed and cleaned her before going to bed. The next morning I rose early, jumped inside her and off we went on the first of many dirty, filthy, mucky weekends. A thirsty girl, I filled her up twice before we reached our destination; the glorious Peak District.

We set up camp on the outskirts of a small village, amongst some trees that bordered a very wide and muddy gulley. Perfect for a our first attempt at bogging. With a little tug on my lever, she was on all 4's, her low box making light work for me as I entered the slimy ditch. I'll spare you the ins and outs, suffice to say that after a very hairy but nonetheless enjoyable hour, we ended up well and truly stuck. I lent on my horn for a couple of minutes before eventually going for help. Pulling first timers out of the mudhole seemed to be a regular occurrence for the locals. The rest of the weeked is now a blur, probably because of the hospitality at the Crown Tap. Such a helpful and welcoming community, you could do a lot worse than getting stuck in Firling Ephert.

Read more about Clive's adventures with Landy, plus a review of Aston Busshole's latest model, the Intruder. Ruff Mag - out on February 1st.

The week in review (formerly News in brief) #3

We started the week with a question. Recession: has the bust been over inflated? Paradoxically, cosmetic surgeon, Hunter Mayter M.D. FACS, felt it had. In an upbeat interview, Mayter and his colleague Justin Mector M.D., introduced us to Flying Fresh, their new clinic and first venture outside the US. For the full interview, click here.

Next came the distressing news that Sheena Vnitzel had closed her Austrian restaurant, the Strudel Feichlater, pending an Environmental Health investigation. Diners reportedly became ill on the evening celebrity couple V and D were due to make a public appearance.

On Tuesday, with the snow melting rapidly, Marge Lammaries reminded us that her Great Tits were increasingly heading south, in search of food. Mick, her husband, encouraged us all to get our "Nuts out for Great Tits" T-shirts, available from all retailers in Pranker's Wycke. Next week, Mick will share with us the plight of the Corn Bunting.

Ever wanted to pole dance to keep fit, but been too embarrassed to try? Tate Grits, a straight up American gal and part of the new Flying Fresh team, ran her first class at Wannakem Lyceum on Tuesday. "An uplifting experience," said Joan Mentley after the session.

If pole dancing feels a bit too exotic, maybe Gabby Flit's new Front Diet system is more your cup of tea. Join her band of losers at the Duke of Porchester, every Thursday at 8pm.

Well, what are the chances? Lyla Smott (nee Smittle) bought a lotto ticket, the morning of her wedding at Mitzmaid Cloisters last Saturday, which won her £9.7m! What a wedding night - full in the luck department? You bet!

And lastly, back from TEFL in Japan, we heard from Gale Whourmand who spoke about her reading group hobby. "'Book Clubber' they'd shout at me. I'd devour Moby Dick in one sitting," explained Gale who, with partner Scott Grimshaw, invites you to join her new reading group at the Wailing Anchor, Mondays at 8pm.

Recession: has the bust been over inflated? Paradoxically, Hunter Mayter thinks so

"Flying Fresh is about feeling young again. It's about soaring to new places, with a little help from us!" quipped Hunter Mayter, M.D. FACS, with a flash of his perfect white teeth. Mayter, a cosmetic surgeon from Flushing Gaps, KY. is opening a new premises adjacent to the Duke of Porchester pub in Pranker's Wycke.

Offering a wide range of surgical procedures, non-surgical treatments and cosmetic dentistry, Flying Fresh aims to help people feel great about their appearance. "We build a relationship with our patients based on trust. Our experts provide a thorough consultation to help customers make the right decisions," explained resident expert in charge of non-surgical treatments, Justin Mecter, M.D.

With state-of-the-art facilities, complete after care service and flexible finance options, the future looks bright for Flying Fresh, especially if those pearly whites are anything to go by!

To arrange a free, no obligation consultation, either call or drop by and ask for Tate Grits.

Flying Fresh.
8 High Street,
Pranker's Wycke.
T: 44371
E: flyingfresh@prankers.wycke.zz